They failed me.

When people look at me, they can't see the pain behind my eyes. I have always forced a smile upon my face. I am only 32 years old and my life has been far too stressful.

I have been on the verge of death, kidnapped at 4, molested by multiple men in my family, and even raped by a cousin. Since nobody would ever believe my story, I figure I would tell you. Perhaps you won't doubt me.

It all started at birth. I have a congenital heart disease called hypoplastic right heart syndrome. The first 24 hours of my life was very intense for my family. If I lived past 24 hours then the doctors would perform open heart surgery. Thankfully I did. I underwent multiple heart operations. When i was 3, I caught pneumonia while vacationing in Louisiana. The doctors called my parents and told them that if they wanted to say goodbye to me then they should rush down from North Carolina and say their goodbye's because i wasn't expected to make it. God must have been looking out for me. By the time my parents made the 8 hour journey, I was playing in my hospital bed with the "Rudolph- the red nose reindeer" stuffed animal my grandfather had bought me. Life never seemed to get easier for me after that.

When I was 6 years old, my parents decided they didn't want to be parents anymore. They split up and sent us to live with our paternal grand-parents. The department of Child Services gave custody to my Paternal grandmother and her second husband. From that moment on, my world was full of disappointments and broken promises. My mother always said she was going to do something with us but when that time came, she either totally ignored us or called to cancel. My dad was too busy trying to please his girlfriends. The 5 children they had together seemed to be irrelevant and a burden. I am forever grateful for my grandmother because she was simply amazing.

My grandmother never let us need for anything. We didn't always get what we wanted but she tried. I did simple chores around the house and eventually she started paying me to do them. She is the person who started my passion for writing. She tried to teach me how to write poetry and how to read it. She even taught me how to draw. She was the woman I considered to be my mom. It was a relief. I almost forgot that my biological mother and her mother pimped me out at 3 years old and tried to even years after that.

My Maternal grandmother had a boyfriend who loved little girls. He would lay me on a bed at 3 and do things that no man should ever do to a child. When I told someone, I was told I was lying. At 32 years old, my grandmother told me that I wanted it and begged for it. I only remember crying and being scared. This made me fear being alone with men. This was not going to be the last time a man touched me.

The next occurance was my uncle. He would say "let's play cops and robbers." I learned quickly that was not a game I enjoyed. He would also tell me to keep it a secret. He was lucky because I knew nobody was ever going to believe me. I had tried to tell about the first occurance and even in court the man was found not guilty. At 6 years old, that made me not even trust police officers or any of the justice system.

Years went by, my grandmother started working leaving me at home with her husband. I had trusted this man. He was the only man I did trust besides my father. At 12 years old, I was a loner. I never went outside and I didn't really have friends. He told me one day that I was bathing wrong. I didn't think that I was. He said he needed to wash my hair the proper way. I trusted him so of course I let him. He would dry me off and lay me on the bed and tell me that there was "white stuff" inside of me that he needed to get out. I didn't know that it was normal. I didn't even understand what it was. At 32, I know what it was now. When I was 14, He went over the line and thats when i realized he was doing things to me that was inappropriate. He licked me one night in a spot that was not okay. And another day he asked me if I knew how to kiss. Naturally I said yes because i didnt' want to seem lame. He asked me to show him though. I didn't want to. I knew that was gross so I told him no and quickly ran outside. From that moment on, I tried not to be alone with him. And because I was not letting him touch me the way he wanted to, he started beating me. My cousin noticed bruising on my face and asked me what happened. I had held all of the abuse inside long enough, so when she had asked me I just broke down. I sobbed into her arms and told her everything. She went to the school guidance officer and told her everything I had told her. That night CPS was at my door. They made my grandfather leave. A few days later, my grandmother made me and my sister leave. We moved in with my father.

I know that I have only told about my sexual abuse. But through the years, my father met a woman who changed him into a better man and better father. He became the man you would want as a dad. We all wanted to move in with him but my grandparents had better lawyers. When he found out what happened to me due to his step father, I had never seen him hurt so bad. He cried and assured me that he would stand by me through the whole ordeal. And he held true to his word. Detectives came and talked to me. It seemed like they came every other day. They didn't seem to be on my side though. That just made me feel as if the justice system was never on my side. So to this day, I don't trust Judges nor police officers. I don't trust men at all either.

I know this story probably isn't great. However, I hope you enjoy it. This is my first time telling anyone other than family about my sexual abuse