Terror In The ER Waiting Room Reminds Me Why I Am Pro-Choice

It Took Me Two Weeks.

The pressure in my pelvis was dismissed as a symptom of my PCOS for two weeks before I gave in and decided to go to a doctor. I had a rough menstrual cycle at the beginning of September, so I figured I had an active cyst. No big deal, since I am very familiar with the process of 'riding it out.'

The Urgent Care Visit Yeilded No Results

When the pressure built into a gradually worsening pain, I sighed in defeat and scheduled some 'self-care' time. I tried to wait it out until Tuesday since I had an appointment to (finally) get a new primary care physician. As someone who has experienced a few cysts in her lifetime on her ovaries, as well as some gnarly UTIs, I "knew" it was nothing major.

Until the NP told me I didn't have a UTI. And they were limited in what else they could do to diagnose what could be causing the pain. That's when the worry set in. Not for me. I was honestly just eager to get back home and get back to my daily never-ending to do list. But people who cared about me weren't happy. I was dismissive of the NP's suggestion of going to the ER to get a scan, for various reasons.

One of them was that I didn't take her seriously as a medical professional.

When you have a 'doctor' or a 'nurse practitioner' who acts like she thinks you have a transmittable disease you're about to intentionally spit in her eye with, and can't bring herself to do a proper examination on you, you tend to think that particular medical professional is a Quack.

I dismissed her words, because quite frankly, if you're a doctor and you're not worried enough to properly even check me over then she must not be worried about me enough to think I need real medical care.

"You don't have a UTI. You could go get a CT Scan or an ultrasound at the ER though."

"Well. I think I'm okay. I was just worried about the UTI. I'll be fine I think, it's probably just a cyst then."

"Eh... you might need to go get it checked out better. But yeah. You're good to go for now. Sorry, there's not much else I can do."

The next day, I woke up in a lot of pain.

But not the usual kind of pain that a cyst bursting or flaring up brings me. Cysts are sharp and sudden. This had been building up, and the pressure was more intense. I was frustrated because walking was difficult, and when my son gently pounced on me for a morning snuggle it radiated and exploded for a few seconds, making me see stars.

So my man took me to the ER. We were there for eight hours. During that time, they took a CT scan of my abdomen. I was frustrated and growing ever more anxious with the growing pain in my cervix.

There were a lot of things a pain like this could mean. As someone who took a few pre-med classes before realizing my ability to handle broken and torn humans was very limited, I sat there trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

Little did I know, my family had already done the catastrophizing the night before when I went to bed and had already thought of all the horrifying things that this pain could be.

Appendicitis. A cyst that behaved abnormally and may need to be surgically removed. The development of endometriosis. Cervical or uterine cancer, since my genetics are prone to cancers and I am a perfectly viable person to develop it.

But for me, the worst-case scenario would have been an abnormal pregnancy.

I have three young children already. I do not think a pregnancy test was ran on me. Not a single doctor during this time mentioned doing a pregnancy test. I'm not sure if they are automatically done every time a female gives their urine at the hospital. And I couldn't help the fear as I waited, and waited, and waited.

What if I AM pregnant again? What if it's ectopic? What if it's abnormal? What if it's a complicated case, and the state of Tennessee and the University of Tennessee Hospital sentenced me to death because of anti-abortion laws in my Republican anti-abortion state? What would happen to my family?

I voiced this concern to my fiance, unable to stop the tears from falling down my face.

"If it's an ectopic pregnancy or something, we need to get North. I can't leave the kids. I can't leave you. This place will murder me before they save me if a complicated pregnancy is involved. If it's pregnancy-related and it's not straight-up ectopic, they will sentence me to death if there's even a heartbeat. Even if it's not viable. They will kill me, babe. And they will arrest me if I go somewhere else to save my life. You have to PROMISE, if they sentence me to death you will protect and take care of the kids." I whispered to Chris in the make-shift waiting room of the ER which is under construction.

I could see that he had already thought of this by the look on his face as he wrapped his arm around me and held me.

"I won't let that happen. I don't care what I have to do. If it's something like that, I will get you help no matter what." He whispered back. "You promised me 100 years. You still have ninety-something to go."

Some people might think this is overreacting, and medical professionals (who are slightly at fault for the anxiety) scaring me. But the fact of the matter is it's not.

Women in states like Tennessee have to have contingency plans should they become pregnant with an unviable or high-fatality-risk pregnancy. Because Doctors will sentence them to death here. Why wouldn't they? Our state governments have made it a class C felony for them to do their job and save women's lives.

I don't blame doctors for putting their freedom, careers, and families before women that they don't know or care about. I wouldn't want to go to prison for saving some woman who is insignificant to me. Doctors have a choice in states like mine, save a life and ruin their entire worlds. Or let them die and keep living like nothing happened. It's not surprising they chose the latter option. What's a couple of fetuses and women, when they save other lives every day?

Of course, anti-abortionists will say there are exceptions. And so will lawyers and everyone else. But the fact of the matter is, that Tennessee had high maternal and fetal death rates to begin with BEFORE legislature turned abnormal high-risk pregnancies into an everyday tragedy that women must endure.

Tennessee has high maternal mortality rates and these rates are getting worse. According to the Kaiser Foundation, Tennessee ranks No. 3 in the nation for maternal mortality, a number that is as shocking as it is unsurprising: Tennessee is also one of the 10 states that hasn’t expanded Medicaid. Our high infant mortality rates are also going up, again, not surprising when our state is forcing pregnant people to carry fetuses with fatal anomalies to term.

I never once applied my fears of the overturning of Roe Vs Wade to myself.

For me, it was always about my daughters. My oldest daughter is only six, but one day she will be a young woman. She may develop PCOS, or experience an ectopic pregnancy as I have. What if she is raped and gets pregnant? I am very much aware of my daughter's future. Everything I do is focused on my children.

It was the first time I considered that the overturning of Roe Vs. Wade could leave my children motherless.

Luckily for me, I got good news. It's just mesenteric lymphadenitis. And it usually only happens to kids and teens. It can be mistaken for many of the things that I listed above due to the level of pain and where it generates the pain in the body. And I did not realize that little tiny lymph nodes swelling could make you feel like your appendix is about to burst. The human body is amazing and disgusting, all in one go.

I thanked God for my swollen lymph nodes. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

But my heart hurts every time I think about the women who aren't so lucky with their diagnoses.

It's unacceptable that I had to feel that kind of terror. It's unacceptable that I had to think of backup plans for 'just in case' I was pregnant with an ectopic or abnormal pregnancy. It's unacceptable that realistically, I could foresee myself withering away in a hospital with sepsis, while doctors check my abdomen saying: "Nope. There's still a heartbeat folks on that ovary. I guess they are gonna die at the same time in this case. Better luck next time."

It's plain stupid, that I had to fight the urge to call my children and say goodbye and tell them that I loved them - just in case the state of Tennessee sentenced me to death because the Zealot Cultists who run our country have stripped away my rights to medical care as a female.

We shouldn't have to live in fear. But America is turning back into a 3rd World Country. So we do.

Note to self: I need to get my Will and Testament redone, and my life insurance reactivated.

Find my fictional fantasy book "Memoirs of the In-Between" on Amazon in paperback, eBook, and hardback.

You can also find it in the Apple Store.

Use the code J3F-HK4-I0K for a 20% discount on your purchase of my book on the Campfire Reading app.

And if you like pretty things - check out the author's merch store - where all money goes right back into advertising.

Like and Follow the Memoirs Facebook age here!