Radical Self Love

I knew this was something I wanted to do at some point in my life, I just had no idea when. It was sort of a bucket-list item that had no plan. I didn’t expect it to happen when it did, having just experienced an emotional rollercoaster of a year.

At the start of 2017, I was in quite a depressive headspace; struggling with my self-worth, hating myself, feeling hopeless and uninspired. Through therapy, self-compassion, travel, prayer, and friendship, by the fall I had started loving myself again. I made room for my imperfections, reconnected to inspiration, and began to feel at home in my body. I had begun celebrating life more than hating it; and the same goes for myself. I wouldn’t say I felt completely “healed” or perfect, but I was learning and practicing being at peace with myself.

One day as I gazed into the mirror, I noticed how I had felt more beautiful than I had in a long time. I pulled back my long, curly, blonde hair out of sight and continued to see beauty reflected back to me. I was seeing myself in a new, loving light. This was when I knew it was time to shave my head.

The process of shaving my head was both a challenge and an invitation. I wanted to challenge myself to let go of my attachments, expectations, and stories of the past. I wanted to invite myself to truly deepen my self-love.

For me, shaving my head meant cliff-jumping off of the rock that was my comfort zone in my feminine beauty and diving into deep self-acceptance. It meant releasing the ego and reliance on my long, golden locks to feel beautiful. If my feminine beauty made me feel worthy, shaving my head meant learning to love the parts of me I had deemed unworthy. It meant embracing my ugly, my “less-than”, my “not good enough”. It meant burning my security blanket and heading into the battle that still exists within myself sans armor. I would have no choice but to surrender into self-acceptance. If I could love myself here, I knew I could love myself regardless of circumstance.

About a month later, on the eve of the New Year, instead of going out to party, I stayed in and shaved my head.

The act of shaving my head was my favorite part. I loved the experience of watching my hair fall; an embodied ritual of releasing the past. I felt excited and empowered. It was after the process was complete that sadness crept in. I didn’t have an inch of hair left and I felt incredibly ugly.

I didn’t expect to like the way I looked after, that wasn’t the point, yet I was taken aback for a moment when reality set in. I hid away for days. I didn’t feel beautiful, or empowered, or embodied at this point. Yet, I knew this was a part of the process and held myself with compassion in these feelings.

A few days later, not feeling too keen to be seen, I got dressed up to go out for dinner with a friend. I put on a sleek, all-black outfit with a matching beanie and my favorite necklace. I took a look in the mirror and for the first time since New Year’s Eve, I didn’t feel ugly. I actually looked good! I couldn’t believe it, but I was rocking this look. I actually felt excited to go out to meet my friend and be seen in public.

The next morning, I held a self-love ceremony for myself in the form of journaling, nude yoga, and a little photo shoot with my new do. I brought myself from my over-thinking mind into my body, into this vessel that I know to be sacred. This is when the medicine of shaving my head started to reveal itself. I started to truly see both my inner and outer beauty. I began to notice my spirit shining brighter, unbridled by the hair that once hung in my face. My friends started to notice different parts of my personality come out to play; the sassy, the silly, the confident. This experience didn’t create a new me, it expanded all that I ever was.

Shaving my head was an ego-death process; a total shedding. Through my hair I released fear, judgement, stagnation, insecurity, and so much more. I created space for myself to expand in ways I didn’t even know I could. I let go of who I thought I was and allowed myself to be all that I am.

By being willing to embrace my “ugly”, I only became more beautiful, inside and out. Shaving my head brought me in touch with my essence, the aspect of me that can not be contained, and my physicality in equally powerful ways. I truly fell in love with myself in the year(s) that followed. I fell in love with my Soul, my energy, my Spirit. And I also fell in love with my form, my body, my beauty.

I didn’t expect to like being bald or having short hair. I was expecting that I would hate the short hair cut and grow it all back out as fast as possible. To my surprise, I love the way I looked bald and with a short cut. I have since kept my hair short and shaved it again multiple times.

The list of all I have learned through shaving my head is mighty, yet I want to share some of my favorite lessons. Through shaving my head I have learned how to navigate life by how things feel versus what they look like. I have learned how to relinquish expectation. I have learned the importance of clarity. I learned about my own inner masculine and feminine energies in a profound way. I have learned about who I am at my core and have fallen madly in love with every bit. Most importantly, I have learned how to let go; how to surrender; a practice that is essential in the continuous evolution process of any growing being.

In a world where societal standards are so specific and extreme in what it deems worthy in a woman, shaving my head could also be considered an act of rebellion; and to find such potent self-love in this place.. Well that, to me, is pretty radical.