Dear Body

5 years ago I was going to the gym at least 5-6 times a week. I was working out, squatting, drinking my post work out smoothies and had the best looking ass of my life. Near that same time I was entering the first stages of my life as a sexually active woman and men started to notice. I guess you could say that those early stages were when I "peaked". I was getting a lot of attention that I wasn't used to like men wanting to take me on dates, sleep with me and call me pretty. Men that had the chance to see me naked went nuts about my body yet I was still unsatisfied with the way that I looked. For a solid year I was working out and living the single life. My figure looked fit and I was quite busy with men. From the outside, it may have looked like my self esteem was at its apex. But the truth is, my self esteem had never been any lower.

No matter how many people paid attention to me, no matter how often I worked out something always felt missing. Slowly with time this pressure to keep up this physique became an obsession. At the time, I viewed this unfillable hole as motivation to work harder but in hindsight this was a perfect example of body dysmorphia. Missing one workout made me feel like I had lost everything I worked for. I assumed a man's disinterest in me was because of the way that I looked. I was never totally satisfied with anything I saw in the mirror.

Fast forward to a year later, after a health complication that led me to stop working out completely, my body dwindled to a stick. I was so uncomfortable with the body that I saw. To me it looked lifeless and frail. I feared that the change in my body would alter any chance that I had to feel good about myself. On top of this new change and other personal adversities, I spiraled into depression. Interestingly enough, about the same time, I met someone. Was he the one? No. But he made me realize something important. All this fear of having the perfect body in order to be "attractive" meant absolutely nothing. I was still getting men any size and shape that I was. So why was I so unhappy?

A few months after dating, I booked a ticket to Thailand and we went our separate ways. I was still depressed but travelling alone offered me a lot of free time to think. I reflected back on all the experiences with men that I had. How obsessed I was to look perfect and how much energy I invested to being this ideal women on the outside. It dawned on me that I never gave much thought into the kind of women I wanted to be on the inside.

It took me that month in Thailand to start seeing what kind of women I desired to be. I envisioned being a resilient, courageous and honest woman. But if all else failed, I just wanted to be a woman that was kinder to herself.

Truthfully, I came home still fairly depressed. But I knew that something had slightly shifted in me. This burning desire to look perfect didn't seem so urgent. I wanted to try something new. I spent the next year focusing on my health, re introducing myself to my hidden passions and seeing a counsellor. My priorities had shifted. Exercising became about listening to my body and its boundaries. Sometimes my body would tell me that it wanted to work harder and other times all my body wanted was a simple walk and fresh air.

It has almost been 3 years since I started this journey to become kinder to myself. It is by no means perfect, as there are still times that I pick away at my so called flaws. But as I continue to prioritize my relationship with myself over anything, I am reminded of how much more I am than just my body. I like to think that my body is the home to my most divine self. This vessels carries the spirit of an outstanding woman. It has carried a woman through depression, sports, injuries, trauma, heart ache, love making and everything I could imagine. How bittersweet to think that it has been there for me everyday, yet how unkind I have been to it. I believe however that no relationship is perfect. Just like the friendships in our lives; we fight, we say things we regret, but at the end of the day we always have the choice to forgive and move forward with love.

On your toughest days, where you don't feel your best, I encourage you to thank your body. Give it a hug, listen to it and be gentle with it. After all, it's doing it's very best and most importantly providing a home for one resilient, courageous and beautiful woman. That's pretty damn cool.