Cathartic Writing and Holistic Healing

I hope that today's "mood" lasts. I hope that my inner voice, the one that is talking to me today and motivating me, wakes up with me tomorrow morning. Because today I've decided to forgive myself, be myself, and love myself. After many many years of psyche treatments, counseling, and cathartic writing, I'm going to make a concentrated effort to really love myself. I don't think I ever really have.

I confused feeling proud of my achievements for loving myself. Well, I passed all my classes so I love myself. Well, I cleaned the house and made dinner so I love myself. Well, I got a job and paid my bills so I love myself. Well, I did what my family or friends wanted me to do, so I love myself. Um..... no. I was not loving myself. I was loving the pride that I felt for having accomplished whatever I set out to accomplish. I finally realized that I wasn't loving myself when I couldn't accomplish anything. When I had absolutely nothing to be proud of myself for, I fell into a deep well of depression and self-loathing.

I had to hack it out by myself though. I couldn't explain it to someone else or ask for help because I didn't understand it. How could I have gone through almost 30 years of counseling and treatment and not know how to love myself? How could so many people accuse me of being selfish or egotistical if I didn't know how to love myself? I was confused about the self-love thing. I've been confused about love in general most of my life.

As I was hashing out my pain and depression in cathartic writing, I was also reading about love. About how people were heartbroken and spent after giving all they had (emotionally and otherwise) to their chosen target of love. This is written about by many people and psychologists and sociologists have all kinds of terminology to explain the dynamics. I thought I knew what love was because I was always good at giving my loved ones what they asked for. Or I thought I knew what love was because I was always good at giving my loved ones what they needed. In the meantime, I was neglecting myself to the point where I was not only starving for love, I was getting mentally and physically sick. I didn't know anything about love because I didn't know how to love myself. Real love is not martyr syndrome. Real love doesn't cause disease and pain. Real love doesn't leave someone all alone for 30 years chewing on pills as a solution to not knowing what real love is.

All these years... 53 long difficult challenging years.... and I just decided today, finally that it's time to love myself. I'm going to love my body, just the way it is. I'm going to love my hair, messy or shaved, however I have it. I'm going to love my circumstances, job or no job, husband or no husband, social life or no social life. I'm going to love me and my life, starting now. Not tomorrow or the next day, right now.

I'm breaking up with the old me and starting a new relationship with the me who really loves me. The old me was just using me. I used myself to prove I loved my mother as a good daughter. I used myself to prove I could be a mother. I used myself to prove I was smart by going to college. I used myself to prove I was a woman by getting married. I've been using myself for the past 40 years! No wonder I've had to be medicated for the past 30 years! I never stopped the horrific rollercoaster with the epiphany and proclamation - "I want to love myself!"

Not the way you want me. Not the way they want me. Not based on merit or achievement. Not based on credit score or assets. Not based on titles or labels. NO! I want to love myself, just for being me. For being me, exactly the way I am without having to change anything or prove anything or accomplish anything.

I deserve to be loved. If no one else loves me, that's okay.

I love myself.