Fantasy Sports

Fourth quarter. Seven seconds left. A New Orleans Pelicans basketball player shuffles down the court.

Outpcaing every Phoenix Sun defender, the Pelicans player prepares for take off. Jumping with two feet, the player contorts his body and cocks the basketball behind his head.

Rubber pierces polyester mesh.

Zion Williamson hammered down a 360-windmill dunk.

The New Orleans crowd erupts. The stadium announcer howls. Zion flashes a mean mug towards his bench, flexing in celebration.

And why shouldn't he?

Sports are a share sensation, weaving invisible strangers into a collective tapestry of competition and thrill. We crowd into stadiums, living rooms, and downtown bars to watch the controlled chaos unfold.

Distracting us from the woes of the world, we root for strangers to place an object in a hole. Or move fast.

While we hope the outcome is favorable for our team, we crave a compelling storyline. Fans turn on their televisions for the sensation. To feel the adrenaline rush of a fourth-down conversion, the hostility of a hockey brawl, the jubilation of a successfully stolen base.

We want the entire soundboard of oohs and aahs and dammits at our disposal. For who wouldn't want to witness the raw, human emotion of a slam dunk?

Phoenix fans. Who probably switched over to the 10 o'clock news.

Because it was the fourth quarter. With seven seconds left.

Down by nine.

Following the dunk, Phoenix started a light scuffle at midcourt. Referees frantically separated players and coaches from the commotion. After the game, Phoenix Guard Cameron Payne said the following statement:

There was just no sportsmanship and we don't really like that. We do the right thing. I felt like they should've done the right thing and they didn't. We didn't take it well.

Professional athletes are vilified for expressing excessive emotion against opponents. Labelled as taunting or showboating, these flamboyant gestures are viewed as derogatory and offensive.

Parents do not want their children emulating the momentary depravity of their favorite athletes. We do not to want to foster a generation of sore winners.

Lord knows we need to teach children to keep their pride in the closet.

Leagues regulate unsportsmanlike acts with penalties and fines. One too many hip thrusts can send a team back fifteen yards.

Phoenix echoed the anti-showboating advocates, believing Zion should not have executed his flashy display. As if Zion broke some honor code — invisible yet assumed as customary law.

Dialing back emotion is antithetical to sports. Sports thrives on spectacle, on the excess. We want the drama, the tension, the bloodshed.

We replace guns and grenades with bats and balls to create the same feeling. That carnal feeling. That lust for perfection.

We customize gladiators — large frame, high motor, versatile wingspan, great feel for the game, clutch gene — and cast them into the Colosseum.

We want our players to obliterate their opponents without flashing their muzzles. We want our playthings to ram into each other without thrusting their genitals.

We want our chiseled action figures calibrated to the perfect ego: an armada of nice, marketable faces to take home to mama that still got that dog in them.

The second they break that corporate image... a flex too loud, a dance too graphic, a celebration too human... our trigger-happy tongues will instruct lifelong professionals to stop being selfish. To do their job better.

To be a good sport.

We should want to Zion to dunk the ball. The feat is physically impressive and visually appealing. His performance ignites competitive spirit — the bedrock of sports.

Zion should want to dunk the ball. An extra two points improves his point averages. Better statistics and a stunning highlight could increase his playing time and salary.

Zion should celebrate his season-high 35-point game, especially when his performance came in a victory against the team that knocked them out of the playoffs the prior year.

Phoenix should not want Zion to dunk the ball. Therefore, they should defend Zion instead of listlessly watching him dunk and inciting a petty squabble for his infringement on the nonbinding honor code.

In our mission to create the perfect simulation, we have castrated the catharsis of competitors — purging emotion from the war machine that fuels our fantasies.

Full Copyright of Cover Image: Courtesy of Chris Smoove; highlights from NBA Zion Williamson 360 Windmill Dunk No Sportsmanship vs Suns! 2022–23 NBA Season