A brain dump at 2:16 pm-

hello,hi,hello,greetings and salutations.

my brain is on a million- the one thing that i truly hate (besides the stereotypical things) about being a teenager is that i literally have no emotional regulation. and it can be pretty frustrating. and no one really cares. they just assume that you have no self control and are just a bad kid?

I guess that's probably why I'm sitting in ISS (in-school suspension) right now. you probably want to know why. or you don't. either way is valid. let me just give you some background information first, that is if you are curious.

My heart beats for this guy, lets call him Lovey (don't ask questions), Lovey is this sweet, funny,kind, beautiful guy that I've been in love with for almost a year. around Christmastime last year. We were “talking” which is some stupid slang that describes the step before dating. the problem with that is that at the time we were talking Lovey literally had a girlfriend, this pretty funny girl, lets call her Sweetie. I was so jealous of sweetie, she was pretty and popular and had all of Lovey's attention. but I'm a major girls-girl and I would never show that to her or make my infatuation with Lovey known around her because we were kind-of friends. Me and Lovey would be on the phone literally all day, fall asleep on the phone at night, and texting constantly. now- at this point I knew he had a girlfriend,yes, BUT- BEFORE YOU REVOKE MY GIRLS-GIRL STATUS- it was just a blatantly platonic relationship at that point regardless of how cute I thought he was. and then suddenly he was flirting with me? complimenting me constantly, making comments like “Over-sized hoodies on girls make me weak” AS I was wearing an oversized hoodie. he was ignoring his girlfriends calls to stay on the phone with me. he met my mom and regular asked about my little sister and played with her. and I feel even more for him. but I realized I couldn't keep doing this to Sweetie. so one night I called him and said we had to talk. I told him that I didn't want him basically cheating on Sweetie with me because it made me feel like a backup choice and like a bad person. while I talked to him I saw that he was typing aggressively on his phone and barely paying attention to what I was saying. so I just stopped talking and stared at him. a few moments later he spoke: “There, now you're my first choice” and my phone dinged with a screenshot of a message that he sent to Sweetie breaking up with her. I guess you could say that a part of me thought it was romantic? but mostly I was shocked. I couldn't believe that he just ended things like that after they were together for MONTHS. But the day after that I got grounded because I was up on the phone late. It wasn't a long punishment. it was about 3 days. But when my punishment was over I texted him and he called me almost immediately. and informed me that he and Sweetie were back together. Nothing personal. just that he “got lonely” I probably should have noticed that he was a red flag earlier because he was always making comments like “oh yeah, I move on fast” and “it doesn't take me long to find girlfriends”. After that point he never addressed our almost-relationship again. and all of his affection for me vanished.

You're probably wondering what any of that has to do with me being in ISS because that was Christmastime and its May?

needless to stay, i'm still incredibly in love with him. and i'd do anything to get him to fall for me again.but its been 6 months and nothing.

I've tried guiding him through his newer relationships and bad decisions. and nothing.

i've tried pulling back and seeing if that will make him appreciate me more? and nothing.

Recently i've just been trying to step into our friendship and live my romantic feelings out. and he's gotten pretty comfortable with me and deciding to start crossing my boundaries and treating me like i'm not even human?

well. a bitch. or that's what he called me before I smacked him and ended up with 3 days of ISS and almost a 10 day suspension.

jay.