Let Us Lay Tie-Dye To Rest

Reminiscent of summer camps and sleepovers, (or for those more experienced in life and lettuce, the ultimate summer sleepover of ‘69,) tie-dye has worked its way from the kid’s craft aisle at Walmart, to beaching with Beyonce, all the way up to headlining Christian Dior’s Spring 2020 collection “Quarantine Fashion.” This, of course, being foolishly caused by the cabin fever plaguing every citizen this past year.

Crafts

While I’m all for artisanal clothing, and encourage those capable to carry their crochet materials and sewing machines into the new year, this macaroni-necklace-equivalent craft should be best left to the professionals: in this case, preschoolers. There, they will be appreciated by the eye of a love-blind mother before packed away in boxes to await the highest fate an article of such sentimental value can achieve: a t-shirt quilt. Outside of this sentimentality, they are doomed to end up plaguing the thrift stores and eventual landfills of our future only to remind us of the dumpster fire that was 2020, as no one in their right mind stocks up on such.

Capitalism

Urban Outfitters, Anthropology, and, god forbid, Etsy creators, are all selling tie-dye sweatshirts for nearly $200. $200 for something that a trip to the dollar store, a wikihow page and a couple hours could get you. If you are paying for tie-dye with an installment plan, message me privately. I fear there are some deeper rooted issues there. In all seriousness, doesn’t the rave over this craft stem from accessibility and nothing better to do. If there is anything good to be said about it, it would be that it rips one from the hypnotic daze of scrolling we have succumbed to. Though that does not seem to hold true with every brand jumping to release a line of scribbled pinwheels and everybody throwing money at them. Of course, we could talk about how the reemersion of tie dye is a tacky capitalist ploy perverting the ancient art of Bandhani, but I’ll leave gatekeeping [rubber] bands and dying to the people who do it best: Dead Heads. “Can you even name three tie twisting techniques? Didn’t think so.”

Comfort

Comfortable does not have to equate crummy. Tie-dye is the mark of sticky-fingered children and adults. It’s a neon sign that says I have crumbs in my bed and I still didn’t put on a new outfit today. Actress, Ester Povitsky, says it best with the captioning of her full tie-dye fit with “I dress like a person who hasn’t woken up before noon since the McDonald’s breakfast menu became available all day.” Seeing the chic off-duty model look exchanged for some crude craft set is disheartening to say the least. I’m not asking everyone to dress to the nines -- we are in America after all. But in a time where thrifted oversized t-shirts and pants can be Pinterested if you throw on a few rings and necklaces, it has never been easier to look decent.

Cohesion

When Googling what in the world tie-dye even goes with, I had to look on in horror, peeking through my fingers at the so-called “fashion advice.” Articles offered denim, bucket hats and blindly-picked biker shorts, while I quickly realized the true answer is nothing. Tie-dye goes with nothing except more tie-dye and poor life choices. So, please, I beg of you to stop this trending terror. If not for your own sake, for mine.

In short, even if Alexander McQueen, Gianni Versace, and Jesus Christ himself all came down and told me it was the peak of fashion, it would still not make me want tie-dye, but rather, to die.