Do You Really Want To Understand This?

Not being political about things, I have read the community guidelines, but as an Iraq veteran I can’t help but have mixed fellings about Operation Enduring Freedom Afghanistan mission ending. For sure I felt just as happy hearing my military people are coming home from there as I was for the Iraq side of the house when we came home. It is just bittersweet is all. I knew and saw what was the price we paid after twenty years of combat operations.

More than reflecting on what was lost versus accomplished in both those combat zones, I do know that a very small percentage of Americans have served and I can see that causing animosity between the people who are asking, “What was it like in war?” and their fellow American service personnel saying, “Its tough to explain it, I guess the best way is saying if you haven’t been in that situation you would not understand.” More than ever, saying something like that infuriates people so bad, as if they are being spoken to like a child or feel the serviceman is being condescending, that most service personnel don’t even mention their service, which is pretty sad considering what they already went through. But I feel I'd rather be patronized than be told something I otherwise would not want to hear, no BULL on that.

Ironically, the reason why we say that is because we ourselves had no idea what it was like until we got there. And not only that, even the same missions had things I personally would not get. Iraq had IED’s and palm trees. Afghanistan had alpine warfare. There were no mountains were I was, I could have been on Tatooine for all I knew. Another thing you must remember is much like other occupations where you deal with tragedy daily, you can either cry everyday or choose to laugh at it. I am sick of crying over it. So we develop what is known as black humor. Gallows humor. We laugh at inappropriate things. But it comes down to the same dilemma, do you want to spend eternity crying? That sucks, and that is no BULL.

So I will attempt to help better understand the experience without even referring to war, or IED’s, or getting blown up. I am going to describe it using two concepts I can assume we are all familiar with. The concept of indoor plumbing, and the concept of trash collection. I will also do it showing how humor saves lives, and that’s no BULL.

OK. If America gets the Gold Medal for garbage and sanitation, there are parts of Iraq that get the bronze… age. The village we were located by had neither the concept of garbage collection nor saw a reason for it. “ In America you buy barrels to put garbage in, buy gigantic trucks to pick it up just to drive it to a bigger dump? Why not do what we do, burn it?”. That logic might work for a remote village. We had the misfortune of being located remotely also, but had about 800 people on it. So at the end of the day we had an 800 person sized pile of trash we had to get rid of immediately, because tomorrow, and every other tomorrow, there was a new mountain of trash made. That sucks. And that is no BULL.

The same delightful scenario applied to plumbing, or I should say the complete absence of it. “In America you use such a precious resource as water to defecate in and flush away? Why not do what we do? Burn it?”. Well, the remote village 800 population rule applies here also. Under the very best of conditions, at the end of every day you had a 800 person pile of feces to deal with, because again, tomorrow is another day. Who has to figure out how to remove an 800 person pile of feces overnight? You do. That sucks, and that’s no BULL. The X factor here is in the Military there are a few concepts here. Rank. Some people in the Military can be at an all-expenses paid trip to Disneyland and still be angry, and going back to Rank, @#$% rolls downhill. Where I was, that happened literally.

So lets imagine a beautiful suburban cul de sac. There are only three houses in it. You live in the center house. To your right, a neighbor who had the good sense to never join the military, and gets to use American rules. To your left, an idiot like me. And while my house might look nice, I have to follow Iraq rules. Actually no, I don’t live there, the dude that hates Disneyland lives there, I am not making this easy on you, and that is no BULL.

So it is garbage day, and you are leaving your house in the morning going to work. To your right is your pleasant neighbor. He is a good dude, but has the annoying habit of forgetting the can lids, squirrels get in there and make a mess, we all know that guy. But again he is a good dude, so while you are looking at his messy cans and thinking to your self “dick” you pleasantly wave back and wish a good day. To your left you see your neighbor douse his garbage in jet fuel, toss a match and set his garbage ablaze. He then looks at you, with zero intention of wishing you a good anything. You notice his face contort as he screams at you, “ you did not button your second button on your shirt! Are you trying to call me an A-Hole! You had best fix that right now! And do not ever F@#$ with me again like that!” That kind of stuff really happens. Do you really want to understand that?

Today you decide to have both neighbors over your house because you all have kids, its summer and you have a pond sized in-ground pool. Pool Party! Boy are you going to regret that. So as the kids are having fun the adults are having adult time. Drinks, laughs, and admit it, everybody is in their bathing suits and we all know what we really want to talk about, except for the furious man sitting alone sharpening his bayonet. The good dude asks politely, “May I please use the facilities?” As he returns he tells you how delightful the lavender candle smells. “Hey you, where is the SHI@#$%?!” Umm (Is he going to kill me?) Forget it useless, I’ll find it! “MOM THAT MAN JUST LEFT THE BATHROOM AND AS HE LEFT HE THREW A THERMITE GRENANADE TO DETONATE THE TOLIET BOWL!! HE SAID IT HAD TO BURN! HE SAID I WILL BURN LIKE IT IF I EVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN!! Do you really want to understand that?

OK, you make one last chance to make this work. But by now you know to try to attempt this impossible task as far away from your home as possible, because your kids therapy is not free. So you have season tickets and you invite both neighboors because you have extra seats. You tell the good dude to meet early to tailgate, and bring a few friends, which he shows you profuse thanks for, and bakes you an apple pie for. “How the F do I even approach the maniac neighbor with this offer? I know, I’ll write a letter profusely apologizing for asking him, but give him the same offer. I’ll put it in his mailbox at night, even he must sleep.” He does not. “ STOP IMMEDIATELY! LOOK DOWN, THAT IS A TRIPWIRE PROTECTING MY PROPERTY LINE. WHAT THE F DO YOU WANT FROM ME AT THIS HOUR? EXPLAIN YOURSELF! QUICK!!”. As you produce in your trembling hand the invite and explain, you hear “PLACE THE ITEM ON YOUR SIDE OF THE TRIPWIRE! SLOWLY! TAKE FIVE PACES BACKWARDS, ABOUT FACE, AND GTFO OF MY SIGHT!” There are people in the military, a lot, who are like this. Do you really want to understand that?

Game day is here, great. You are sitting with your spouse and friends, and the good dudes spouse and friends. You are all engaging in equal parts pleasant and paranoid conversation. Pleasant because the two sane parties are doing what people do at tailgate parties, actually have fun. But even in the event the maniac who lives next to you can even pronounce the word fun, Iraq rules apply. So while you guys are throwing out trash and using port-a-potty facilities, and proceeding as otherwise acting like nothing is wrong, to your horror your not so nice neighbor, and yes he has friends because there are people like him in the military, are having what they consider fun, drinking preposterous amounts of beer, only eating BBQ meat, and nothing else, and somehow doing all this with a can of chewing tobacco in each of their mouths. And that’s not the crazy part, they are eating fifty feet from a burning pile of feces and garbage as if it perfectly normal. Because after living like this in Iraq for a week, not the year we did, even the finest proper English noble butler to Her Majesty would be serving you off sterling silver platter right next to this burning pile of obscenity. What other choice do you have? And you can cry about it, hell I did for a few days, but then it actually gets funny after a while, and that’s no BULL. Do you even want to understand that?

And here is where the disconnect happens. Because as you are looking at them in horror, they are looking back in amusement. “What the F is their problem?” the vet says to his friend. “They just don’t understand. Hey are you going to finish those ribs?” So you see there is no condescension, no patronizing, no self rightenous feeling. They do it so you never have to understand, and that is no BULL. And be honest with yourself, do not BULLSH@# me. Do you really want to understand this? Oh in case I am not following the Bull rule correctly, there was literally a BULL dropping the BULL!@#$, OK?