Your Mind Is a Garden: Water It

Dear Future Self,

You did it.

You got up from that dark room, opened the blinds, and welcomed the sunshine in. Like a snail lugging a heavy shell, it took all your bones- heavy as they were to wake up. Yet you did it. You woke up, had a workout, showered, made breakfast, and had coffee. In between sips, you savored the moment, making peace with yourself, vowing to try again after the battering your soul took. Upon wake, you tell yourself there is hope.

For the first time in a long while, you breathe easier as you feel the withered flower blooming within. You are healing more each day and it feels like floating.

I see you, whole, happy, and content. Do you feel it? The fruits of the seed you planted and watered from the decision to start afresh. I see you abundant, with lightness in your bones and heart, bounding on fluffy clouds. The very makings of a miracle.

I remember the dark air you brought with you, the frown dancing on your face, the fake smile you plastered on whilst heaviness laid in your heart. I remember the ugly words you told yourself, how you found new and inventive pitiful ways to break you. Here you are slowly digging yourself out of the muck, making haste towards the light and I am so proud.

If only you knew from the moment of time, your being, your mind is a garden that needed watering. It was just your mind trying to deceive you and now you know it.

It likes to play tricks on you- your mind. Brewing monsters out of the darkness. Master It. With everything you are, like a prayer mantra and with gentle hands on heart, tell yourself, I love myself, I show kindness and grace to myself. Be voracious with your declaration. While tears trickle down your face, tuck this love note somewhere in your heart when the monster's fangs fill your nights.

Under the covers, in the folds of self-help books, quiet meditations, and friends' warm embrace, you somehow found new sparkly words to hold on to. It has become your anchor when feet threaten to fail. You fought hard for this- to quiet that nasty voice that followed you from childhood to now. What a star you are.

You were once a pro at shitting on yourself. For some time now, sweet, affirmative words felt sour, like jest to your ears. At some point, the vocabulary of self-hate expanded like a balloon to blanket your entire existence. You always cringed when words of kindness were said to and about you, you thought it mere formalities. You thought them lies. This is what your mind told you.

When you tried to muster kind words, they stayed stuck in your throat like hot coals. But look at you now. Shakespeare with that shit. Like a lotus flower rising from blackened water, your words spring brightly, like a field of fragrant flowers perfuming the air. Your words have become a home for weary souls.

For so long you stood on the sidelines, watching, cheering for others, silently wishing your turn would come. But you never needed to wait. All you had to do was trust yourself more, and jump. Look at you now, moving through fear like the warrior you always were. See the swell in your heart, the smile and sparkle in your eyes as you stare fear down. With trembling knees, honor in your heart, and a smirk dancing on your lips, you charge towards it with a war cry that shakes the mountains. You are a conqueror. More than a conqueror. Every 'L' you take, every fail you meet, nourishes you and you are better for it. If only you would remember to be kind to yourself.

My love, remember to cry for it cleanses the depths of your being. There was nothing wrong with crying. Who told it was for the weak? Who told you it does nothing? What terrible lies. You were always allowed to wail and beat your chest to free your emotions. You never needed to feel strong all the time. Thank goodness you cry so easily now. When you cry, your whole being rattles like a treasure chest, and it makes your soul a billion times lighter. It is not dramatic to release your tears, it is medicine for the soul. Once upon a time, you were gaslit into silence, but not anymore. For you know what swallowed tears taste like.

My life is mine, one day at a time. Tell yourself this. Like a mantra, hold on to it tight. My life is mine. Not your mums, your dads, your sisters, or your brothers'. It is Yours. What a liberating and terrifying thing to realize you no longer need anyone's permission. It's okay, the pressure you feel to be this 'perfect person'', you can LET GO. You can be messy and embrace discovering who you are because, at the end of your life, you can't blame anyone for not trying. Take your time, enjoy the process. You are slowly unraveling, realizing your worth and it is beautiful. You are rekindling the fire that died somewhere along the way of living.

Know that all the things you hate about yourself, that you thought made you ugly, is BEAUTIFUL. Your mermaid thighs, wonky tooth, your jiggly belly, the features that make the mirror your enemy. They are Beautiful. And your laughter, that loud cackle, that ends with a snort which makes you embarrassed, my darling, it is sweet music. Thank goodness it fills the halls.

You stand unafraid for you have stared the monster right in the face.

Healing your mind was never easy. The battle still wages on and the scars are plenty. Every wound taken has become a reminder of the time you survived, a badge of honor adorning a warrior's body. Stand with your head high for the fight continues. But know this, you have done it before and you are more capable than you will ever know because your mind is a garden that needed watering.

You are and will always be Loved.

To Fresh Starts