You think you know me?

It's nearly October. It is cold but the beautiful sun shines through my window reminding me to be grateful in the present moment. Even as I sit here reflecting on some of the most difficult periods of my life, it's hard not to feel hopeful. A reminder that there is more to life than my ego, even as the tears fall.

2020 has been a strange year for everyone I am sure. A common theme I have noticed all year is change. A change in the way we work, live and our freedoms. For myself personally it was the year my heart finally broke and the twenty-odd years of hiding my pain, traumas and my truths just weren't working anymore. I felt like giving up on life. The things I once enjoyed I no longer did, and feeling happy was an emotion of fairy tales. It was also the year I finally started to accepted myself for all of who I am.

It's easy for people to look at our social media and think they know us. People don't care to see the pain or hurt behind your eyes or through the creativity. People don't know the personal struggle it takes to even upload or post a picture myself. As I sit here I contemplate that very thought and ask why is it I feel this way about myself? It feels ridiculous that I can't even answer my question. I have a strong identity. I know who I am and who I'm not, but depression is a tainted view on life. It makes you question your identity on the darkest of days, question your sanity as you struggle to regulate your emotions. A good day is just to feel a kind of artificial numbness.

As a cycle closes out for me I reflect on my experiences with depression. Everyday living, making new friends, socialising, harmful thoughts and never feeling good enough. These were things that I had to try balance all the way through university. I still managed to complete my degree with a 2:1 but my experience was limited by my own beliefs about myself. I'm not writing this diary to talk about the wrongs I have experienced but rather a reflective look at how I have coped with my childhood traumas and life experiences, hopefully giving an honest insight to what dealing with depression feels like as I now try to move forward with my life into the next chapter.