Why won't you heal?

6 years ago, almost to the day I was diagnosed but when will it end?

You can have days, weeks, months or even years go by thinking you are fine, thinking you are healed and then as sudden as a lightening bolt hits the sky you begin feeling an invisible pain that is an un-welcome yet known guest haunting every thought.

It takes one comment, one judgment whether meant maliciously or not for a ‘washing machine head’ like my own to start spinning, to start second guessing and to start believing that I am nothing. Lying in bed at 4 in the morning thinking and reliving any comment, no matter how innocent, that a head riddled with depression can twist into an insult, into a metaphorical knife hidden within your mind. It is painful, it is something that cannot be accurately described until an individual feels their own version of it but can it be once and for all defeated?

I have no answer for this I simply understand the way I view my own issues. In my opinion You cannot heal depression, you cannot destroy it once and for all but you can teach yourself or learn from others how to cope with it, how to see the warning signs of a relapse and proactively act against the impending Tsunami of feelings that is heading your way. Personally if I feel the tidal wave looming, I take some time on my own to try and work through, calmly, before the storm hits, whatever I feel has triggered my soon to be outburst. It may not stop the relapse but it allows me to think before I react too strongly or horrifically.

Every case is different and I am not implying that having some quiet time is a quick fix, without a doubt it’s combinations of many things that allow successful management of depression. Talking about my feelings doesn’t come naturally to me, I disguise it with sarcasm and avoidance but I am a firm believer that if you talk about what is bothering you in the moment you feel it arising you can loosen it’s hold over you and allow it to pass slightly less torrentially than in would bottled up and caged within an individuals mind.

There are two things that I’d pass on about how to deal with relapse and/or an outburst:

Talk. Whether this be with a family member, friend or a professional talk out whatever you are feeling. You don’t have to talk about EVERYTHING you are feeling or have felt just what is, at that moment in time, spinning around your head without letting you go from its leash.

Do what’s right for YOU. If your mind is telling you to do something it probably is the best road forward. When I become overwhelmed, I have need for space, for time alone and it helps. Your own mind knows you better than anyone else on this Earth. Listen to it.

I’d love to be able to tell people who have recently or for the first time been diagnosed with depression that it will one day be gone without a trace but I can’t. This is something I have yet to experience. I’m on medication, I have a great support system in place and a therapist the provides me with a safe place to talk about anything, everything or nothing. With this all in place I can deal more appropriately with my feelings and outbursts so they aren’t as scary as they once were.

Your experiences will always be different to everybody else’s but never forget you are not alone.