Why It’s So Difficult For Me To Leave My Husband?

People who’ve never been abused will wonder why a woman isn’t leaving her abusive relationship. Well, they can’t understand that leaving is sometimes more complicated and tough than it seems.

For me, leaving my husband has always been dangerous. He abuses me almost daily and has more power and control than me. It’s true that when a victim leaves, they will take back their power and control from the abusive partner. However, it is not too easy.

Whenever I tried to get rid of him, my husband began treating me in various destructive ways. Sometimes, he was beating me the whole night, and sometimes he made my life a hell on the bed.

Shockingly, he asked me to keep my mouth shut. Of course, this was impacting the life of my child as well. My elders passed away two years ago, and I have no one who could come forward to help me out.

Last week, after months of hiding my abuse from everybody in my circle, I decided to share my story publicly. Some days ago, I read a story about domestic abuse. Everything I’ve experienced so far is a step in the brainwashing process.

In the brainwashing process, the abuser systematically breaks down the victim’s heart and brings them to the point where they stop caring. The abuser then replaces it with a new set of attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors that work in the current environment of the victim.

What’s even more shocking is that my abuser is my own husband. I am not a psychologist, but I’ve spent months with women who have had the same experience. When a person’s only objective is to destroy your life, they will go great lengths to make it possible. This is what the brainwashing process looks to me.

Assault On Identity

Unfortunately, my husband always tries to control my emotions. He criticizes me and does everything to make me feel bad. Sometimes, he starts saying things that make no sense to me.

You’re worthless.

You can never be a good mother.

You’re ugly and fat.

Nobody will want you once I leave you.

These attacks are repeated, and I have now become disoriented and confused. Sometimes, I start thinking:

Am I really ugly and worthless.

Establishment Of Guilt

I’ve always found my husband introducing guilt in a variety of ways. For instance, he shouts at me for no reason and blames me for the things that have gone wrong in the past.

This is your mistake.

You’ve made my life difficult.

I want to get rid of you.

Just like my husband, other abusers may be taking a small flaw and embellish it to the extreme. Is it so? Typically, they shift the responsibility for their wrong deeds or actions to the victim. This way, they just want to justify their own attitudes or behaviors.

Self-Betrayal

I’m overwhelmed with shame and guilt, and this has led me to the point where I find no reason to live longer. I am bullied into cutting off communication from my relatives and friends who share the same behavior or belief.

Breaking Point

At this point, victims stop recognizing themselves. I have the same feelings; sometimes, I cry and cry and there’s nobody to support me. Gaslighting techniques are being used by my husband to push me over the edge. This is actually an attempt by the abuser to overwrite the victim’s reality.

Are you crazy? This has never happened.

Why are you telling a lie?

You’re paranoid.

I remain confused and question my own identity and personality.

Am I really a bad person?

What should I do to make my husband happy?

Some people will call it a nervous breakdown, which is the point of exhaustion reached after an extended period of depression and anxiety.

Why Don’t I Leave?

After reading this, you may ask me to leave but the fact is I’m not leaving him because I’m worried about the future of my child. I am not only physically dependent on my husband but also want his money to survive in this world.

Do you think I should start freelancing to earn some money?

Story from my personal Medium ID. All rights reserved