Why Do Some Parents Constantly Compare Their Kids to Others?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard stories like this in my therapy sessions.

One of my clients, Niloofar, came in one day looking exhausted. Not physically — emotionally.

She said:

“Ali, I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough. My mom keeps comparing me to everyone — friends, family, even random people online.”

So… why do some parents do this?

Let’s unpack it together — gently, honestly, and psychologically.

What’s Behind the Habit of Comparison?

From a psychological standpoint, comparing children isn’t just a bad habit.

It usually stems from deeper fears and beliefs within the parent.

Here are some common roots:

1. Fear of Failure or Shame

Many parents — especially in high-pressure cultures — feel personally responsible for their child’s success.

When a child struggles, it can trigger deep feelings of failure or even embarrassment in the parent.

So instead of processing that fear, they externalize it:

“Why aren’t you more like X?”

Translation: “I’m scared you won’t make it — and I don’t know how to deal with that.”

2. Cultural Pressure

In many families, success isn’t just personal — it’s collective.

If your cousin becomes a doctor, your parents might feel like they are falling behind as parents.

This creates a toxic scoreboard — and you end up being judged by what others are doing, not who you are.

3. Unrealized Dreams

Some parents unconsciously try to live through their children.

Maybe they didn’t get the chance to follow their passion, or they had to grow up too fast.

So now, they push their kids — not with bad intentions, but with unfinished wounds.

Comparing becomes a way of saying:

“Please don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

But to a child, it often sounds like:

“You’re not good enough as you are.”

What It Does to the Child

Constant comparison isn’t harmless. It can lead to:

Chronic self-doubt

Fear of failure

Anxiety in relationships

A deep, painful belief: “I’ll never be enough.”

Niloofar once said:

“I started comparing myself to everyone. Even when I succeed, it doesn’t feel like mine.”

This is what happens when a child absorbs the belief that their worth depends on others.

Can You Talk to Your Parents About It?

Short answer: sometimes yes — but not always.

Not all parents are emotionally available or self-aware.

But if you feel safe, here’s a sentence that might open a door:

“When you compare me to others, I feel like who I am isn’t enough. I’d love for you to see me for who I really am.”

No blame. No guilt. Just honesty.

Even if it doesn’t change them, it can free you from carrying that silent pain alone.

Ask Yourself:

What have I internalized because of comparison?

What would I be doing differently if I believed I was already enough?

How can I re-learn to value myself without someone else’s scoreboard?

These questions are powerful.

And they’re exactly the kind of questions I ask with my clients in therapy.

From My Experience as a Psychologist

I’m Ali Andi, psychologist.

I’ve worked with so many amazing individuals who’ve carried the invisible weight of being compared — for years.

And what I can tell you is this:

You’re allowed to be different.

You’re allowed to grow at your own pace.

And you are already worthy — without being anyone else.

Want to talk?

This topic runs deep.

If you’re ready to unpack it gently, I’m here for a real, human conversation.

Website: ali-andi.ir

Free WhatsApp Consultation (with me directly): +98 999 127 0128

Instagram (with videos & tips): instagram.com/ali.andi.psy

You don’t have to prove your worth by comparison.

You just have to start reconnecting with yourself — the real, unfiltered you.