Why are we always misunderstanding people

Image by the author. My mother doesn't know me. not really. For a long time she knew only her role I played in front of her. That's why she was so surprised when she started reading me online. "Who is this funny cartoonist with a penis fetish impersonating my son ?!" (in other words).

She knows me a little better. She read my story on subjects as diverse as octopus sex and why I hide a jar of peanuts from her niece. Still she still doesn't really know me.

No one does.

Because there is variety. We all do so.

You don't know who really is

When you're interacting with someone, such as a family member, friend, colleague, romantic partner, or a random guy on the street, you're not really interacting with them. You interact with the person you think they are. You interact with their impressions. And we form an impression at the speed of lightning. For example, if you want to introduce someone, talk a little and then ask, "What kind of person do you think that person is?" Many conclusions have already been reached. .. At least you made some general assumptions and, in most cases, even made certain decisions. You will have them in the box.

Image by the author. Not only that, we'll add some common labels to this box: outgoing or booking, liberal or conservative, shy or confident, clever or stupid, friendly or blockhead. Your brain crave for orders, regardless of the number of socks and empty pizza boxes you normally lie in your living room.

But how do you get people into the box? How do you get the label? Well, they use clues like voice tones, topics they bring up, words they use, their sense of humor (or lack thereof), and so on. In fact, you often just look at someone to put them in one of your little boxes. You don't even have to interact with them. They only use superficial clues such as clothes, haircuts, skin color, accents, weight, age, posture, the context in which you meet them, the people they are with, and countless other details. is.

So why is it all important?

Well, that's important because the box you put people in and the label you assign to that box determine how you interact with them. After all, people feel a particular box in a particular way. So the box you inadvertently put someone in will determine how you feel about them, which will determine how you treat them.

I`m an actor — and so are you

Humans interact in what social psychologists name self presentation or impact management: we consciously or unconsciously strive to steer how others understand us. That doesn`t always suggest we deceive every other. It can also additionally simply suggest we emphasize or downplay one characteristic of ourselves over any other relying at the context.

For instance, how I need you to understand me — wherein field I need you to place me — relies upon on who you are. If you and I are consuming buddies, I will need you to understand me as adventurous and fun. If you`re my boss, I will need you to understand me as accountable and diligent. And if you`re my mom, I will now no longer need you to understand me as a hard-consuming promiscuous birthday birthday celebration animal who pours cocaine into their espresso machine.

In the end, we don`t display our actual selves to anybody. It`s even dubious there's a real self. I suggest, who am I? The blabbermouth writing to you? The quiet and reserved character who seals their lips like an envelope on the own circle of relatives table? The clown fawning over my wife? The wise-ass giving existence recommendation to my brother? Or the fool that makes humorous faces in the front of the reflect while alone?

You see, we`re continually strategic with how we gift ourselves — even how we gift ourselves to ourselves. Yes, you study that right, we positioned ourselves into packing containers too.