Why Are Relationships So Difficult?

Relationships are challenging. Everyone is aware of that. Most individuals believe it has to do with money, sex, children, work, or who gathers up the socks. Some people assume it's because we're not compatible with one another or because we haven't got enough interests. It's not just you, them, or her, you know. Actually, nothing on earth is harder than dealing with another human. Consider that. We're all challenging; we all want things to be simple in each new relationship, but we also bring an equal amount of unresolved painful memories from previous relationships. Love is by far more complicated than employment. Let me clarify. Our natural neurobiological reflexes play a large role in this. Let's start with the high cortical portions of your beautiful neocortex. So let's name them your ambassadors for the sake of simplicity. Your ambassadors are very deliberate, intelligent but slow; they also cost a lot to operate. They excel in organising, planning, predicting, communicating, and making stuff up if I may be so blunt. Think of ambassadors when you think of reason and logic. Your brain's subcortical regions—let's call them your primitives—are extremely quick, memory-based, automated, and incredibly inexpensive to operate. They engage in romantic relationships and sexual activity, and threat detection by looking out for potentially harmful faces, sounds, gestures, movements, words, and phrases. Think primitives when you think about fight or flight. Your day is 99% entirely automatic because of your primitives. Your ambassadors enjoy novelty, but to save resources, they must give it to your primitives. You would lose your mind if you tried to manage your day while your ambassadors were fully operational. To learn a new skill, your primitives and ambassadors will initially be working hard to do so. However, very soon, your primitives will automate learning to ride a bike without much assistance from your ambassadors. This technique is known as procedural memory or body memory. Procedural memory is created. Cool, huh? Your brain lights up once more when you fall in affection for someone, and you want to learn everything there is to know about them. You can't get sufficient of them; you want to touch, taste, and smell them. You're on a drug high. Natural remedies, not them! There is dopamine to make you desire more, noradrenaline to focus and pay attention, and testosterone to make you do what? and a noticeable dip in serotonin to make you persistent and fixated. You are chemically dependent on drugs. For weeks or months, you spend all of your time together; you get significant, and this is where the fun starts because very soon, both of your brains will automate this new person, and theirs will automate you. This is what the brain does while trying to function. Hence it is expected to occur. Because you assume you already know each other, you stop paying attention and cease to be truly present, which will make the connection feel much simpler and cause you to make your first very huge mistakes. Your relationship is being managed by your primitives using procedural memory, which contains a list of everyone and everything in your life that is emotionally significant. Your primitive brain will interpret your partner's intentions, feelings, and ideas using that memory as a filter. So it goes like this: "Why are you throwing me that look?" "I didn't look at you at all." Why are you speaking to me in that manner? What pitch? "Stop it!" - "What?" - "That." - "What?!" It is natural to make that sound when two nerve systems are misfiring. That will occur, and it will be an issue if you don't comprehend your automatic brain. I can speak from experience as the therapist for a couple when I say that conflict is inevitable. Relationships cannot exist without conflict. In fact, your partner may perceive you as intimidating if you avoid fighting. You are fighting isn't the real issue. When you do, either one of you threatens to end the relationship, or both of you do. A partnership may withstand arguments, but it cannot withstand losing security. Error-prone are communication, memory, and perception. Even when it's a good day, human communication is bad. Most of the time, we are misunderstood; when we are feeling good, we don't care all that much, and when we are feeling bad, we care a lot. Human communication becomes significantly worse when stress levels rise. Memory is not trustworthy. People, memory is flawed, and if you argue about who has the better memory, you're probably both mistaken. Your views are like mirrors in a funfair ride. Your memory and state of mind are continuously changing how you perceive the world. They are deceiving you all the time. Hubris will cause trouble if we believe our speech, memory, and perception are the actual truth. Before I continue, I want to be clear about the threat: if you're in a violent relationship, you must leave. I'm merely referring to the small-scale terrorist threat that we encounter daily as a result of our physical contact and physical conflict. But why do our arguments frequently get violent? It's because actual time moves too quickly, and when we sense danger, we act and respond in a primitive way. Actually, our ambassadors are completely unaware of how we arrived here. It causes shit to happen! "Dammit, I'm correct, and this is what sounds really wonderful to show it. Despite the fact that you have no understanding of what you're talking about, you sound very assured. Let's get to the good stuff now. Here are some studies you can conduct in the convenience of your own home since every one of you carries around your own neurobiology lab wherever you go: the next time a relationship situation becomes tense, shift your position; come face-to-face and look each other in the eye to see what transpires. By the way, if you frequently argue while driving, it's probably because you glance from side to side. Since a glance can signal a threat, you should avoid fighting while driving, talking on the phone, sending emails, or texting. Because we are visual creatures, our ability to regulate one another's neural systems depends on our eyes. I want you to know that regardless of personality, prior experience, relationship history, or trauma, what I'm referring to here happens to everyone. No angels or devils here; we are all capable of being dangerous, even to people we love, and we are all capable of making significant mistakes and mistakes in memory, perception, and communication. Being in a committed relationship, which is what loving, secure functioning is, entails being in the foxhole alongside and defending one another from outside threats. It goes beyond merely attaining what we want. We're supposed to support one another. Because people can't grasp this basic idea, I've witnessed far too many connections end before their time. Our main responsibility is to look out for one another and keep one another feeling safe and comfortable. The world has always been a hazardous place, and right now, it seems a little frightening. Who will protect each other's interests if we don't? I appreciate it and wish you luck in your relationships.