why am I attracted to people with avoidant attachment styles

An anxious attachment style is a type of attachment that forms in childhood and is characterized by a fear of abandonment, a tendency to worry about the security of the relationship, and a need for constant reassurance and intimacy. People with an anxious attachment style often crave emotional closeness and may become anxious or insecure when they feel that their partner is distant or unresponsive. They may also have a tendency to become overly dependent on their partner and may feel a strong need for constant validation and support.

On the other hand, people with an avoidant attachment style tend to prioritize their independence and autonomy, and may be uncomfortable with emotional closeness or intimacy. They may be reluctant to share their emotions or feelings, and may withdraw from relationships when they feel overwhelmed or stressed. People with an avoidant attachment style may struggle to express their emotions or connect with their partners on an emotional level.

It's not uncommon for people with an anxious attachment style to be drawn to those with an avoidant attachment style, as they can create a dynamic that can be both comforting and challenging. The anxious person may feel a sense of validation when the avoidant person shows interest or responds to their needs, but may also experience a heightened sense of anxiety and insecurity when the avoidant person withdraws or seems distant. In some cases, this dynamic can lead to a push-and-pull cycle that can be difficult to break.

Here are a few possibilities:

Familiarity: If you grew up with a caregiver who had an avoidant attachment style, you may be more likely to seek out partners who exhibit similar behavior. This can be especially true if you were never able to form a secure attachment with your caregiver, as it can be difficult to recognize healthy attachment behaviors later in life.

Challenge: Some people are attracted to partners with avoidant attachment styles because they enjoy the challenge of trying to win them over or getting them to open up emotionally. This can be a way to feel more in control of the relationship or to prove to themselves that they're capable of handling difficult situations.

Need for space: If you have an anxious attachment style, you may be drawn to avoidant partners because they give you the space and independence you need to feel comfortable. However, this can be a double-edged sword, as too much distance can exacerbate your anxieties.

Unresolved issues: Sometimes, people are attracted to avoidant partners because they have unresolved emotional issues of their own. For example, if you have a fear of intimacy or have been hurt in past relationships, you may unconsciously seek out partners who are less emotionally available as a way of protecting yourself.

It's important to note that being attracted to partners with avoidant attachment styles doesn't necessarily mean that there's something wrong with you. However, it's important to recognize that these relationships can be challenging, and it may be worth exploring why you're drawn to these types of partners in therapy or through self-reflection. Additionally, it's important to communicate openly with your partners about your needs and concerns in the relationship, and to work together to build a strong, healthy attachment style.