When it is too much to carry...

The Secret Diary of a Spiritual Vagabond

08.31.2022 1:50am

Dear Diary,

I know it’s been a while since I last confided in you. I have not wanted to speak aloud the recent horrors that I have unwittingly had to endure. I still do not want to speak on them. I do not want to re-live the bull shit, that has become my life. I hate it. The bull shit that is, not my life. I quite like my life... well life in general and living and breathing and feeling the warm sun on my skin. Hearing the birds chirp in the morning, and the crickets at night. I have a lot of dreams and a whole lot of love. I love humanity and I hate them all at the same time. It didn’t used to be this way. I give so much love and friendship (as the sign of the Zodiac that is the most friendly, this is a core trait) and support. I don’t mind it, well I didn’t mind it, until I realized that I keep get nothing in return. And sometimes, not only do I get nothing, I also get used. That is a hard pill to swallow actually. Why do people have to be so cruel???

I show up authentically, every time, in every situation and I expect others to at least be halfway decent. Not manipulative. Not controlling. I don’t want to be gas lighted, or lied to, or taken advantage of. Why? Because screw that. I don’t deserve that. No one does. But especially not when I am only showing up in a real and authentic way.

I guess it’s my fault that I keep giving people a chance. And before you tell me that is in fact the issue, I don’t mean the same people over and over (although I have done this in the past, out of some false sense of loyalty and obligation), I meant new people that say they care, then I find out they really don’t care at all.

It’s okay for people to change their minds. Not all relationships and friendships are meant to last forever. I get that. I understand that. I feel that too, obviously no one should stick around in any situation that is unsatisfying or keeping them from growth and happiness. That being said, everyone ought to communicate that. At least on some level. Don’t string people along. Don’t dip in and out of their lives. Don’t stick them on a shelf while you go out and explore all your other options. That is selfish, disrespectful, and narcissistic. I find it flat out disgusting. Maybe some people want to wait around to be second choice or third or forth or last, but I don’t. I know that I am genuine and fun and smart and talented. I show up for people. I deserve for someone to show up for me.

On that note, I am also perfectly fine alone. I like my peace. I like to dabble in my hobbies. I like to vibe alone. I’m good all by myself. But leave me alone though. DO NOT come at me just to disturb my peace, offering your false effort and even phonier promises. Seriously, if you can’t be real, leave me alone. Completely. I don’t need anyone showing up sideways.

I have honestly had it with false love and fake friends. I am tired. Very very tired of all the selfish people running around out there trying to take from me. I’ve had friends and family take from me. Lovers lie to and betray me. Jobs use and abuse me. Don’t worry, I have no intentions of joining them in their lies and deceit and exploitation of the few people in the world that are kind and loving and true. I am not that person; I will not join the “dark side”. I will also not tolerate disrespect.

I have lost a lot the past few years. Too much. Several jobs due to the pandemic and other “weird” circumstances. I have lost many friendships. I have seen many people’s true colors. I have had to walk away from toxic relationships. And been ghosted too many times to count. I have also been grieving this whole time. Internally grieving and masking it, just to keep moving on. Just to keep functioning in society and showing up for everyone who never appreciated me in the first place. I have been hurting over all of that loss AND the deaths of over 13 family members and friends. Death is hard enough to process; I shouldn’t have to deal with shady jobs and toxic family/ friends/relationships on top of that. It is too much. It really is too much pain for anyone to carry alone.

I think I also lost myself. Well, I lost who I used to be. I don’t even recognize that person anymore. This version is stronger and wiser. She is bolder and braver, but she is sad right now. She has hope that one day she won’t be. One day she will be a whole new person who doesn’t have to mask the grief just to exist in a society that doesn’t really give a f*** anyways. Maybe one day the world will see her strength and appreciate her grace and beauty. Maybe she won’t care if they do. One day, she will have put this entire chapter behind her, and she will be living the life that she dreams. One day. You will see.

Thank you for listening my dearest diary. You truly are my only friend.