What is this feeling?
How Therapy Made Me Aware of Myself
There comes a moment where you have an epiphany that makes it feel like you were hit by a strong wind or in my case a bus. I went to therapy before in college and I remembered feel ecstatic. Unfortunately, I went very late as I was on course of graduating within three months. I thought surely I'd be fine and no longer need therapy...That was summer 2016 and I was twenty-one.
So what made me have a change of heart? Well, it's simple: sometimes you have to say "I can't handle this shit anymore!" Last year, a week before my thirtieth birthday, I treated myself to a much needed self-care: therapy. A small part of me seeking therapy was due to approaching thirty and feeling lost in my direction of life. However, it was my surroundings, or better yet, how I interacted with people that made this happen to me.
You see, I noticed a pattern within me: listening skills. I went on a girls trip and there were moments where I was having a hard time understanding my friends and our plans. At one moment when I tried to pay for something that was already paid, they said it was taken care of. However, the one friend who paid was frustrated with me and said something that stuck with me: "You need to listen!" Ironically, that stuck with me since then. Of course I was pissed at her delivery. She even seemed guilty because a few moments later, she got us lost and kept apologizing. While I was pissed and we did bury the hatchet, this still stuck with me.
Next was when I bought my sister a gift. I knew she'd really wanted this, but there was a level of difficulty with the travel arrangement. She was grateful, yes, but she in a polite way, said that she couldn't do this and it made things difficult. I remembered again..."Listen!" Which led me to therapy.
I told my therapists these issues and how I feel I have to do things for others because I don't want to seem useless or lazy. I did feel like my friend and sister were ungrateful. However, I had to knock some sense into me and come to the realization: it's me who is the problem. Listening needs to improve. This led me to also come another realization that correlates to this:
I have a habit of repeating myself. A LOT.
As I'm writing this, I noticed I keep saying "I". Because clearly, I'm the problem. It's an annoying problem. I hate that I have to say that I'm annoying with this. However, I'm working on this.
One of the moments that made me have an eye-opening experience, is when I realized why I repeat myself and don't have too well listening skills. It's due to my childhood. As the youngest, people really don't take you seriously and at times, people don't really listen to you in my opinion. When it came to my mother, she'd usually brush me off or my father would just answer "mmhmm." One time, I remembered telling my mom that school is having an early release day so I'd be home early. Guess who was surprised and ran frantically to the door? I repeated this so many times. And yet...I wasn't listened to.
So, when I spoke this story to my therapist, it made me think: maybe I don't listen...because I feel no one listens to me. This was a terrible insight on more than one reason. For starters, it's sad to feel this way, but it's also egotistical to think people need to listen to me. I can't expect people to listen to me and not reciprocate.
It's been almost six months since I've began therapy. I feel better about myself and when I speak to my therapist, even when I have a problem, the moment I speak to her about it, the problem just seems to vanish. When it comes to listening, I try to write down things so I can comprehend this. Even as I'm writing, I remembered that when I had to listen to instructions, it was terrible for me. However, when it is written, I can absolutely understand. I've always been one to get task and understand things in writing.
Overall, I'm very grateful to have seeked therapy again. It made me acknowledge a feeling that I had to overcome from my childhood and didn't even realize until shy of my thirtieth. From feeling like my brain was scattered, to now taking my time with listening, I'm truly thankful for my therapist and therapy for helping me acknowledge and overcoming this one step at a time.
About the Creator
A.A.C.
I want to see if I have a career in writing and put it to the test
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Comments (1)
This is a fantastic and eye-opening self-reflection. It sounds like you have a great therapist! It's interesting how moments from our childhood seep into our adult lives, for better or for worse sometimes.