What I Learned This Time Around

You cannot escape reality, not even by killing yourself.

I spent January 2-4 in a psychological crisis center. It was not my first rodeo. However, it was different this time than ever before. Admitting myself voluntarily while suicidal, I truly dedicated myself to betterment. I think what truly stopped me from attempting was fear: of the unknown, of hurting my loved ones, of the fact that things might just be worse afterwards. While hospitalized, I spent the entire time reading self help books, meditating, practicing mindfulness, and using positive self talk.

I saw three different doctors, one on each of the days I was there. They specialized each in different areas, but all seemed to agree: I suffer from chronic suicidality, meaning I’m suicidal so often that it’s become just a state of existence. Each of them had helpful things to say to me, but I don’t think any of it is what made the difference. The big difference was ME. I decided that I was done living miserably. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting to and wanting to die.

I read a book by John Bradshaw while I was there, “Healing the Shame That Binds Us”. I found it really insightful, and it helped me to learn a lot about myself. I have truly allowed toxic shame to control my life. I have been ashamed of my feeling, my mistakes, my humanness.

The book introduced me to the idea of the False Self. It is the persona that we build to hide the parts of ourselves that we are ashamed of. Living in toxic shame, a person always sees themselves as less than human, and strives to appear as more than human. I’ve spent my life this way, but no more.

I refuse to allow my negative emotions to rule my life. I cannot dwell in my feelings, but I must be able to feel them fully. Feelings are a part of being human and perfection is not. Striving for perfection is only looking for disappointment. I cannot escape reality, and the reality is that humans have flaws and limitations acceptance is key.

To have feeling is not shameful, to make mistakes is not shameful, to be human is not shameful. All of these are natural and wonderful things.

I also started a book that I received as a gift from my aunt, “The Light Between Us” by Laura Lynne Jackson, who is a psychic medium. I haven’t gotten very far yet, but I am already intrigued. The first few chapters brought me comfort in thinking of my late father. The book begins with Laura telling us how she discovered her abilities, and then moves into what these abilities have taught her. I cannot wait to finish it.

I’ve been using a mindfulness journal, also from my aunt, called “Zen as F*ck: A Journal For Practicing the Mindful Art of Not Giving A Sh*t”. It is a riot, and really helpful. Every page is different, but they all have a feel good energy. The activities are simple, most of them are quick, and often I zone into a sort of meditation while I’m filling them out.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been trying to keep myself on the routine I built in the hospital: wake up early, feed my dog and eat breakfast, take my meds, shower, stretch, workout and run my dog, do some journaling, watch some tv while I eat lunch, take a walk, take my meds, read/create, write, make and eat dinner, have some relaxing time, run with the dog, feed my animals, walk my dog, journal/read, take my meds, and go to bed. I can’t wait to spend some of that time at a job, all at the right pace.

I hope any of this can help someone else struggling with mental health issues.