The young man ducked his head and stared at his feet, hunching his shoulder up towards his ears. We had been given an assignment: state our name, if we were employed or at school, and one thing we appreciated about ourselves. He was stumped; just shook his head from side to side.
We were at a drop-in center, one of the locations in use by a program that helps at-risk youth. I was there this week as part of a career panel, and I was listening carefully to the answers. Since he wasn't giving an answer, some of the other kids gave him some ideas-
- Your smile
- You're smart
- Your hair
He didn't respond, just pulled back a little from the group, and the next person gave their answers. When it got to me I shared that I appreciated the fact that I wasn't afraid to try new things. On the way home, though, I thought some more about the assignment.
I appreciate many things. Among them-
- Air-conditioning
- Emery boards
- Rest-stops along the highway
- My husband making us dinner
- A reliable car
Before the assignment on Thursday, however, I can't think of the last time I thought about anything I appreciated about me. For sure, when I was his age, I would have had to think a long time to give an answer. It would have far easier to compose a list of the things I regretted about myself.
When you are younger it's hard to back up away from yourself enough to see you objectively. You can't see yourself clearly, other things are in the way. You measure yourself against your perceptions of other people. Your book is blank: you are writing in it, filling the pages with the opinions of other people about you.
You brush your teeth, comb your hair- looking in a mirror and comparing the reflection to those you see all around you. You dress in the same style of clothes as your friends. Maybe the fabric will work like a chrysalis, and you will soon emerge a new creature. That you will fit in, blend in just enough. Be like everyone else.
As we get older it's easy to measure ourselves by our relationships. When those we care about turn away from us and toward another it can sink us with the weight of self-doubt.
- What's wrong with me?
- What does she have that I don't?
- Am I not pretty enough?
- Smart enough?
- Patient enough?
- Good enough?
Some people stay in that maze a very long time. Some stay there forever. They look to identify the fatal flaw within that led to heartache.
Maybe it's there. ........ Maybe it isn't....... Maybe, just maybe, it's not them at all.
Several years ago my oldest daughter was married in a lovely family ceremony. Of course, the ceremony was magical. She was glowing- this was a moment she'd looked forward to, now come to pass. Friends and family were there to witness and support the couple. Including my former in-laws, my former husband, and his wife.
I watched my ex-husband's wife on Saturday as she interacted with my daughters. She was thoughtful and caring. Anticipating how she could help the bride get settled before the ceremony. Helping the guests at the reception get settled. Scooping up our grandson as he went running to his 'Gammy.' Wearing the last name that used to be mine.
And that, surprisingly to me, was just fine.
She and I are not alike at all. We don't look like each other, don't sound like each other. Don't have the same interests or background.
There's plenty that she's got that I don't have, and there's little (OK, NO) chance that I can morph into her and make everything the way it used to be. That is just fine with me.
Oh, I've got flaws. Bunches of them. Some I hope to be rid of, some I hope to modify. Some, likely, I'll need to learn to live with. Some, I'm sure, that irritate my patient husband.
But I'm not fatally flawed.
Me being me didn't kill my first marriage, even if that was precisely what I told myself when it died.
More likely, I think, is that we were like those Scottie Dogs you might have gotten in Cracker Jack, back when the prizes were something to crow over and covet. Place them one way and they were drawn to each other. Place them the other way and they were driven apart, no way to see eye to eye.
The Scotties themselves didn't change.
The very stuff inside them that could bring them together would also repel them. They can't change that about themselves, even if they wanted. It's the way they were made.
I'm glad my ex-husband's wife loves our grandson and that he loves her. I'm relieved that she is kind and gentle towards my daughters. It's good to be surrounded by people that love and care about you; the more the better.
If we see ourselves by the light of the love that we give and not the darkness of self-doubt; maybe we will see ourselves a little clearer.
Maybe we'll be able to appreciate what we see.
____________________________________________________
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About the Creator
Judey Kalchik
It's my time to find and use my voice.
Poetry, short stories, memories, and a lot of things I think and wish I'd known a long time ago.
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