We're Ok

It took me a long time to realize that what I have been doing was a form of therapy. I personally thought I was getting better, but I didn’t realize I was just pushing it further deep down as I jogged around my hometown.

I remember that mid summer night; I told my Ma that I will be back soon. She knew I always did my jogs around the same path, so there were no worries. She knew her son would run around the town and then come back home. Then it was schoolwork or any chores around the house, alongside downtime. There was something different about that night. No one caught it and no one would ever know. I knew, and I knew quite well.

The thing was as I made my nightly jog, not that it was unusual, I just had different thoughts is all. I wasn’t raised up in a terrible way or anything. Neither was I neglected emotionally, as far as I know. I had some sort of upbringing I think that could’ve been avoided let alone handled better. For some reason something just didn’t sit well with me at that night. There was a form of a void that I couldn’t explain. For someone who thinks and tries to figure things out, I just couldn’t do it. That same thought made me feel like I just wasn’t enough. I got that idea from school, lack of friends. I had that thought from not being able to do what was needed of me. following that, I had my insecurities of being a small guy. Insecurities of being shy, so shy I avoided my crush. Socially awkward that if I didn’t understand a question I wouldn’t raise my hand to ask. All in fear that I’ll have to ask again and again. I knew I wasn’t perfect. Just tried to be funny to see someone smile at me or laugh along. Just wanted to fit in, but just couldn’t. it was like trying to put a plastic square toy in a circle, just couldn’t happen and I took that with me for as long as I can remember.

I thought a lot on that jog. There was a busy road along side the path I jogged. I knew deep down it was easy to leap like a deer and accept whatever fate lies after this life. Just had to close my eyes and move, but I kept hearing a voice telling me not to. I couldn’t explain it, it was like a voice overlapping my inner dialogue. I knew I wasn’t crazy or anything, not that I know of. I just chalked it up to a moment and kept on running.

A while has passed, and from there I found myself for the first time running on the train tracks. I ended up stopping to take a breather and there I stood, peering over the rail. Mind you, I am terrified of heights, but something about being above ground seemed captivating. Watching the vehicles pass by coming from the spec of lights in the distance. At that point the same thoughts flooded in without warning. The small voice from earlier didn’t chime in this time. Just the whooshing sound of vehicles and the over exaggerated breath coming from my nose. It seemed to be to quiet for my liking, but there was a sense of peace around me. The storm of mixed thoughts and emotions, stirring inside told a different tale.

I knew deep down I could selfishly let go without a goodbye. Selfishly thinking that I’ll find inner peace and leave the later aftermath to the ones I do love dearly. It wouldn’t be my problem if I were to just let go. Before I got closer, thoroughly analyzing just how high I was, the same soft voice chimed in, simply saying “don’t”. I paused in that moment and gave my full attention to my surroundings. The only thing I heard was the kicking of rocks to my side. I was on guard; from there as I heard the footsteps made their way closer and closer. AI began to see a mans silhouette becoming more visible from the darkness.

“Hey there!” The man perked up, asking. “You wouldn’t happen to have a smoke would you?”

“No, sorry. I don’t smoke.” I responded. He then came close till we were side by side and suddenly peered over the railing as well. He looked ahead, and around till he spoke out with an upmost positive tone.

“It’s all good friend.” He Clicked his tongue. “Ah, What a beautiful night, huh?”

“Yea, that it is.” I simply responded back. He chimed in without hesitation, but I listened to every word he said.

“I absolutely love nights like this. Not only because I’m able to gaze at the moon, realizing that even the one natural thing out there, still can shine in darkness. Top it off I adore the stars as well.” The man said with a pause before continuing. “You ever feel like that?”

“Feel like what?” I asked.

“Just that. The ability to move around peacefully, to feel and not just to physically feel but to have your spirit alive in you. And let me tell you, just the ability to have your dreams out there and knowing that it’s for your taking.”

“I can’t say I ever sat back and became aware of that.”

“You should try it. I do it all the time, especially times like this when I need to. I pause and become consciously aware of who I am, and who I want to become. Pausing life really. Knowing that everything is just ok and that in the end of the day, I realize that I am taken care of. It is such a heartfelt feeling. That-everything-is-ok.”

“I’ll do that… thank you.” I said, confused about the interaction. Only reason is because I was thrown off just by how sudden it was.

“When you look from this railing and peer into the distance. Just think what life will be like in five years, you’ll be surprised.” The man said lightly with a smile on his face. He then tapped the railing with both of his palms. “Alright friend, I must be on my way, but do stay well. Shalom.”

The night became quiet once again and a sense of peace came over me. like a warm fire being lit in the winter. That night I didn’t finish my jog, instead I went straight home and laid there in my bed. Thinking about what the man said.

It’s been fifteen years now and I find myself in my bed thinking late at nights what that man said and the message I needed to hear in that very moment. I never saw him again after that night, but I am happy I knew what my life looked liked five years after.