To My Younger Self

Have you ever thought back to your younger years (I'm 41 now), and thought, 'I wish I wasn't so hard on myself then.' Or 'I wish I had've had more confidence in how I looked, and who I was'? I'll probably look back in another 20 or 30 years time (providing I make it that far), and say the same thing again about myself now. I'm still the frightened, self-conscious person I was, then, but I'm generally really happy, and I'm in a good place. Of course, we can never alter the past, but there are times when I wish the younger me could've seen that things would work out just fine.

Imagine if you wrote her a letter. What would she think?

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To My Younger Self,

I see you and the misconceptions you have about yourself, and I need to tell you the truth: you are fine as you are. You are more than fine: you're great. You just had a shitty hand dealt in your early years, but don't let it own you! You have good friends, and they don't stick around out of pity. There's fire in that belly. Don't let it burn out.

I am older now, and I'll be honest with you, I still have body hang-ups, and there's a part of me that still wants to be slightly underweight, but you know, I'm heavier than I've ever been. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I'm still a healthy weight, and I'm happy. So, although the anorexia will make you feel like the rest of the world is greedy and eating stuff 'they don't need' (your words, remember?), let me tell you, it's ok to feel full. You might think your clothes getting looser is an achievement, and deny there's anything wrong when people tell you you're 'too thin', but it's ok to just relax, and enjoy something 'non-essential' now and again. It's nothing to feel guilty about. It's ok to have a full biscuit, instead of half, and it's ok to eat a proper meal. But, you'll get there. Just don't take too long about it!

I see you sobbing at the end of a stressful week, dreading the shift at the supermarket the next day. I know you're exhausted and you don't know why. It's called depression. I'm so sorry, but that's what this 'thing' is, and it will torment you through school, university, and your twenties and thirties. It will lead to agoraphobia and panic disorder. But you will get through it, and you will find a wonderful female doctor who will treat you gently, and you will be ok. You'll understand, finally, what's been going on, and it will help you to fight back. You're not a quitter. Remember that. But, yes, you'll be tired, and that's when you need to be careful, and just rest.

You have always known what you wanted to do for a job, and you will do it, and you will do it well, despite the challenges and closed-doors and sleepless nights. You will make mistakes and be disheartened by the politics and unfairness of some places, but don't drop your head. You know you're good at this, and you do make a difference. The results and comments speak for themselves. You will walk away from it one day, but it will lead you to where I am today, living the dream. You will help others through what you've experienced, and what you've come through, and you will see that it was all worthwhile. Keep going, but be careful not to burn out. I'm pretty sure you were close to having a stroke or something bad during 2009.

Now, get that short skirt on, some make-up and a nice top, and go meet your fantastic friends for a night of dancing, laughing, and a bit of falling over. They love you for who you are. And they will always be in your life.

D