To my abusers

Hi it's me, the human you tried to break. I'm here, alive, well and pushing through the hell you put me through. You thought you could pull me in and take all the love I gave, all the kindness that I offered, while you broke me down to the very lowest I could be. You thought you had the right to tell me that while you deserved to be loved, I didn't deserve to breathe. You thought you had the right to tell me I was your world while you stabbed me in the back to the people that once loved me.

You smiled in my face and told me that you loved me while you told the other women how awful I was, how crazy I was. You didn't tell the world how you would take me out, then leave me alone to watch you stalk your next victim. You didn't tell them how you questioned my every move, every phone call, every text, you also made up lies to cover your whereabouts even though I didn't ask, then told everyone I was nosy, and nagging and always in your business. You came to me with lies on your quiet lips, calmly trying to get me to go against who I know I am.

You took in all my love, attention, and time, while using yours to find new bait, to cheat, to lie. You told me others were better because I was crazy, but you didn't stop to think about the times you told me I couldn't do something, go somewhere, achieve my goals or even try. You took every effort I made to improve myself, and you turned it into a way to be cruel. Telling me I wasn't enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not rich enough, not smart enough.

You put me on a pedestal and then tried to make me perfect, you saw me with eyes that didn't care and a heart that only fed on chaos and drama. You pushed every button that drug me into a dark abyss then left me there, laughing as you told the world that you had every right to do just what you want to me. You didn't find fault in the way you humiliated me to your family and friends, while I was busy paying the bills, taking care of your kids, paying your bills, paying for your vacations, your drugs, your alcohol. You lied right to my face then told the world it was me that was crazy.

You slept next to me while dreaming of a hundred other women, dangling bread crumbs in my face when I would start to see. Holding me tight and telling me you would get back on track, that you wanted nothing but me, only to let me see you dress up and walk away to go and sleep with another one. did you tell them that you were sleeping with several other people?

Did you tell them that you treated me like a Queen so that you could weasel your way onto my deed? Did you break right down the minute the deed was done and the refinance signed? Suddenly thinking that things just weren't good anymore. No more pretense, no more masks.

Like a light switch you went from being a kind and gentle human to the cruel and heartless demon that you hid away from the rest of the world. You pretended that you cared while you trashed us behind our backs. You made my family think it was you that was wronged, that you had done nothing wrong. It was all me all along.

You watched me slide the blade across my wrist and the red blood blossom across my skin. You smiled as though it was satisfying for you to see. I know now that it was. It was your main goal. You took my car and sent my son to clean me up while you visited your girlfriend without a care in the world.

I fell into a darkness that consumed me. I prayed to God each night to take me. Then sobbed when my eyes opened back up to a new day. I begged and pleaded for you to see me. I tried to tell you that I loved you more than my own life, you acted like I should because I wasn't worth the time of day. You told me that you would never leave me, that you loved me more each day, then said you could never love a crazy person like me.

You made a million promises that you never kept, knowing as you spoke the words your foot was already out the door. You thought you could take my soul and grind it to a halt. You thought you could turn my heart against me. You thought you could turn the world against me. You thought you could turn the universe against me, but I'm still here.

You make the world think you are so great. Put on that mask that hides them from the real you. You hide behind the money that you make, you steal from unsuspecting women, pulling them in with the ability to make them feel they are safe, heard, seen and loved. Even worse you make them feel like they are accepted. Then you take it all away, completely making them invisible to not only you but everyone around here.

You made me think your actions were my fault. That because I breathed I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough because I didn't want you leaving every day. I wasn't good enough because I cared about your safety. I wasn't good enough because I cared about your health. I didn't want you out drinking and driving. I wanted you to take your meds. I wanted you to get help before you ended up dead.

You made me think I wasn't good enough but wouldn't tell me why. You said you never did anything then threw a tantrum like a toddler because you didn't get your way. When I was right and you were wrong you punched holes in the walls and threatened to leave because you didn't get your way. You kept telling me I needed to compromise but didn't do one thing to compromise yourself, and the day I told you it was your turn was the day you turned it off.

Your brain started into overdrive and from then on all you could do was think of ways to hurt me. The more I tried to love you, the more you tried to hurt me. The more I told you that you were hurting me the more pleasure you received. You thrived off the control. You thrived off the chaos.

I fed right into the hell you put into my mind. I let it eat me up inside. I almost drown down in the dark hole of crud, but in that hole I found a light. A spark that said it's not time yet. I lay there watching myself in the dark, my heart shattered, my mind swimming in lies I thought were truths. My life gone, my supports no more. My credit ruined, my savings, depleted, my soul barely holding on.

What you didn't count on was the roots that were spreading and the strength I still had inside my broken shell. What you didn't count on was the will to know I deserved better. I watched in the dark while you went on with life, like I never existed. I watched in the dark as I cried myself to sleep and begged to just be set free.

I watched a new year begin from outside myself. I remember no more. I must have kept working because I paid the bills. I still fed my kids, and I went to therapy. I don't remember much of it. I remember being set free and told I was better. Let them know if I needed anything at all. I remember being oh so proud of myself, and my progress.

I put one foot in front of the other, trying to put the pieces back together and I loved you from afar, still never knowing what I'd done to have lost the love you said you had for me. I betrayed myself because I didn't know better at the time. I was on a mission to be better and each day seemed like a climb. I found you on my mind no matter what I did.

The first thing I dreamed, the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. I had only wanted to love you. I wasn't asking for anything. I tried to love you as best I could, to show you that you were worthy, that you were special. I tried to heal the wounds you said you had from others, but it was never enough for you.

I couldn't understand. Days turned to weeks, turned to weeks, turned to months. You were gone and I started to smile through the pain, look for my own path and see the beauty in mirror. I started to understand that I am worthy of being loved. I am worthy of giving love. Everyone isn't worthy of me or my love. I had to learn to lose myself despite the pain. I had to learn to smile and let myself breathe. I had to learn that I deserved to breathe air, that I deserved to have a space on this planet.

I had to reteach myself that I deserved to eat, to drink, to sleep. I had to learn that it was okay if I wasn't rail thin, that I was okay if I wasn't brunette, or brown eyed. It was okay if I cried when I hurt, it was okay to rest, it was okay to laugh. I had to relearn that I wasn't trash. I had to relearn that some people cared about me.

I had to teach myself to sleep through the night without waking up screaming, unable to breathe. I had to watch my life get replaced by someone else, my "grandson" grow up calling someone else "grandma". I had to let go of the dream, let go of the love, let go of the life I thought I had. I had to start over, again.

I slowly learned to laugh, to smile, to move forward. I worked in my yard to absorb the sun, the breeze on my face, the sound of the birds. I watched the clouds float silently by and the storms roll in raining down upon us while I watched from the quiet solice of my porch.

You started to come by, to check in you would say. Telling tales of cheating on the girl you left me for. Telling stories of neglect and the end of the perfect bliss you had said you had with her. You were coming back to check in , to make sure you still had more time with me. I didn't see it then because I wanted you to see how far I had come. How much I had healed.

Then it all began again. The lies. The promises as empty as dusty bottles. The love bombing began just enough to get back in the door, then you were gone again. Funny how I had yet again hoped you had changed. Nothing changed. I thought I was strong enough to gather the funds you offered and continue working on me. But I was wrong.

I let you stall me further, I let you get into my mind. I let you stop my voice from rising and my life from moving forward. Now I'm back at square one. Myself is all I have. I look in the mirror this time and I see someone so kind. Someone so full of hope. Someone learning and growing and healing.

You are gone again, moved on to your next victim. I now know just who you are and what you are all about. I scared little child stuck inside a grow mans body. Afraid to look inside yourself and see the damage you have caused, not just to me, but to countless others, and mostly to yourself.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be someone that spends their entire lives ruining other people. I can't imagine what nightmares the universe could serve, when you spend your life doing bad things to others. I can't imagine how one could ever get pleasure in hurting someone else. It isn't me. I don't have it in me.

Of all the lessons I learned from you, you were the best teacher of them all. You taught me to stand up on my own two feet. You taught me to love myself no matter what happened to me. You taught me I was worthy of so much more. You taught me to respect myself. You taught me to let go. You taught me to stop loving. You taught me to stop holding on and just be. I will forever be working on the lessons you taught me because they were the beginning of my Journey.

You may have started my awakening or maybe I'm giving far too much credit where I shouldn't but I know the lessons were grand. I know that no matter what else you taught I am finally on my way. I'm still rising, I'm still looking for a better me. I'm still trying to be kind, serve others, heal myself so I'm not hurting others.

I'm still here, plugging along while you are out destroying another woman and her children. We all just pretend that it's okay, that you are a wonderful man. I'm done pretending. I won't lie for you again. I won't jump a red flag or hid the truth from anyone especially myself. I'll listen to my gut, when it tells me you're no good.

When she falls from the pedestal you've placed her on, and you decide she's not the queen you thought she was, don't come darkening my doorstep because I don't want anymore, I'm done. I never deserved it in the first place but I know the lessons learned. My contracts are dissolving because I know better than to run. I'll face the heat and see what I have done.

You are a coward through and through, but by you being that you taught me to see it through. I am a piece of gods own light, Universe as worthy as you. I am light of love so bright shining for more than you. I'm worthy of the air I breathe, I'm worthy of the space I keep. I don't have to change for anyone because you can't break me.

You may be my abuser, and you may be someone else's prince, but I know the demon that you keep. I won't lie for you anymore, don't face me down you'll lose. I hold no more guilt or pain. It's over and I lived. I breathe each day. I smile in the mirror at the beauty that is me.