Hey! Long time no see. It's Luna again. Today I want to share the present and not the past. In my previous stories, I talked about love, hatred, funny events and sex. Now I want to talk about the present me, the one I'm trying to escape...
I'm 34 years old now and I've been lonely for a long time now. I have friends, but most of them never call me, I have to call first. Who am I kidding when I tell myself I matter? My sibblings don't even call me on my birthday. The day I turned 32, my dad called to talk about how I should get a Fitbit...can you believe it? I can, 'cause he never cared about anyone else but himself. At least I have my mom. She's the most beautiful person in the world. She's kind, loving and selfless. I never had a steady job, until now. All of that to say, the person I hate the most in the world...is myself. I took a lot of weight, so I despise mirrors. I'm losing my hair, like my mom did at my age or so. My confidence went to shit a long time ago, but you could never tell...I am a great actress. I wear two sizes larger than I'm suppose to, just to feel at peace with my body fat. I'm never at peace though. I have so many other flaws that I will not share with you out of fear of judgement. I'm a scared little bird afraid to fly.
I wished so many times to die, I was never normal, I was never loved, I was never right for anybody, I was never beautiful, I was ugly...I still am. That, is the things I often tell myself. There's no more tears to be shed, all of them are already soaked in water. I see everyday couples of every ages and I tell myself : Why not me? The answer?? It's never been me, always the beauties and the hotties. So I came to peace with fact that I will never experience that. There's something wrong with me because I can't find anybody suitable. All those ankers are pulling me and I'm sinking with them. My confidence is shattered and I don't know where to begin to rebuild who I was. Piece by piece, I will find a way.
A few months ago, I started this new job and I met my first piece. Let's call him Jay. Like a moon to its planet, I'm caught in his gravity field. But let's face it, he will never be interested by a fat and ugly girl like me. If I had a moment of delusion, I'm sure now that he was never into me. How could he, when I look like I do. I'm drowning in sadness and there is nobody to help me reach the surface. Actually, I'm pretty sure that if I die today, only my mother would really care. Right now, I'm in a dark place. I'm alone in my living room in the dark, typing on my laptop what you are reading right now. Writing, is my only friend. Nobody cares, I don't matter. Like I often say, you were born alone and you'll die alone. I've reached the bottom.
If you wanted to know what's in the head of a depressed person, now you know. I would never kill myself though. I always seem to find a way to swim back to the surface. I'm a strong mind and I don't know why really. I have nothing to be happy about, except a terrific mother. Is it enough to get me through life? I'm already shedding tears of dust just to think about the long fucking years ahead of me.
Today, I'm much better! I swam to surface and got my head out of my ass. I smile, I laugh, like I'm used to. I spent the day with my mom, cooking and watching movies. That was awesome! And just like that, I'm back to square one...
And here we go again...my mood is like a roller coaster. This guy I like, I sadly work with him. Not that I think that I would actually have a shot with him, but...hey, a girl can dream right? And this guy is sweet and beautiful inside and out. But I still can't tell him that I have feelings for him. For sure, he's gonna reject me, trust me, I have plenty of experience with rejection. If you think I'm complaining...you're right. It helps the mind, because I can't talk about it (who am I gonna tell?) and I obviously can't unleash those feelings either (way too risky). Imagine for a moment...you tell the guy, he says no and just like that...you're stuck with him (and the rejection) for all your f****** working life. That's my kind of shitty bad luck. So I prefer to die inside, suck it up and live alone for the rest of my pathetic miserable life. How's that for self-esteem? I built a wall around my lack of confidence and its collapsing around me. Brick by brick, I'm naked under the eyes of my other peers.
About the Creator
Singster Jones
I like to write about things that I witnessed or felt. But I like fiction too, it can be liberating. Writing is a big part of my life and I like to think that it's not only words on paper but kind of a second voice. Hope you like my stuff!
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