The Spider and the Dragonfly

Good morning my darlings, how are we all today? Breath, remember to breathe, you're not alone, I know it feels like that sometimes, and I know how it can destroy a day, a week, or a month. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel just not in the way you might think. The light is coming from you, not the end of your journey. After all, as Budha said there is no end, just new beginnings. Each depended on your own karma. I hold onto that, it gives me comfort. I used to feel alone, which is somewhat true. We come into this earth alone and naked, and we end that life the same way. You take nothing and nobody with you. I came from a very violent traumatic childhood that shaped how I grew from a child to adolescent, to an adult. I am still working hard to change the pathways in my brain, find better, healthier defense mechanisms to ‘Save myself’ from situations, in fact from mostly everything. I have good days where I bounce out of bed, and get the day started. Today isn’t one of them, but I have learned to use tools, coping strategies. I say this with respect, but no one can save you but you. I like that saying. I am in my late forties, and have suffered from multiple mental health issues. I used to go to the doctor, hoping for help, or councollers. And some were good, some were terrible. My first stay in a phyciatric unit was in a small community, Sechelt BC. I went in feeling drained, afraid and suicidal. I was expecting.. I'm not sure what I expected, other than simply help a little bit of compassion and understanding. I was mortified to find out it's not always the case. Talk about bursting a bubble. The nurses were tired and overworked, there were a few nice people, but one thing I learned was that doctors, therapists, nurses they are all just human beings with their own damaged psyche. Some are just able to hide it better than me. After two days, I was told I had to leave. I was shocked, I still felt bad, felt like killing myself and they were going to send me home. I did something I never had before. I begged. I begged with tears streaming down my face, please do not release me yet I told this psychiatrist. I knew in my heart I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t feeling strong enough to be out on my own. My family hadn’t come to see me, no one said anything, mental health was a dirty little secret that no one wants to admit or talk about. I was alone. After an exchaused sigh he looked right at me and said if your going to kill yourself, get it over with. My mouth dropped open, how could anyone say something so cruel, A physiatrist at that. To this day, his words haunt me every morning I wake up.

The worst part was when I reported it. No one believed me. I am a frightened psych patient, and he, a trained therapist. As I aged and went from Er, to Er, to doctor’s office then another and another, medication was given out like jelly beans. Try this one, no then try this one, then this one, just like I was a guinea pig. The side effects were almost as bad as the mental health disorders I was now learning I had. I soon realized how disillusioned I truly was. These are just people with their own problems, their own tempers and their own Issues. I finally started to look on my own, groups, books, courses, I still have bad days. But sometimes something, I don’t know what to call it, divine intervention, luck timing, something changed how I felt. The design of life is ever changing. I’d just gotten out of the hospital again, and I was crying as I walked home. I had to be strong, I had children to care for. I told myself this even as the tears come down harder, I got angry, in my head calling myself weak and stupid, the negativity flowed like water angrily rushing down a river. I stopped in my tracks, hesitant, and unsure whether to go forward, I glanced back at a hospital ER room, untrained to really help mental health patients. Overworked and understaffed. It really is the truth when I say you have to almost kill yourself to get help. The scars on my wrists told me it wouldn't help. Do I go back, no, they wouldn't let me even if I begged, which after that last time I never did again. Bearing your soul to someone only to have them tell you they don’t care. Big shock to a person like me. I stopped, a wave of panic flowed over me like a giant wave ready to swallow me. I remember calling out to Budha to god, to the gods, whoever would listen. I leaned against a metal railing unsure if I could go on. I was just a little speak in a huge universe. Did my soul matter, to anyone? How can I keep going on when I feel so tangled in the medical care red tape bullshit. I just happened to glance down, because a tear fell off my nose and hit the concrete below, that's when I saw him. This magnificent spider sitting patiently in the middle of his web. The wind blew it lazily, back and forth but he did not move. Then a little dragonfly got caught in its web. I was horrified because I knew how that little dragon fly felt. So afraid, so frannatic, I stood watching in horror, telling myself you have to help him. He's going to die. But I stood and I watched as that big brown spider made his way to the struggling little dragonfly. I was still breathing out my anxiety, still frozen in my own fear, and now his, and I found myself thinking you can do this. You can get away. ‘’You are stronger than you think.’’ the words came out shaky, I was angry, for the dragonfly, At the very last minute it shook its way free and flew off. I felt this huge weight lift off of my shoulder and my tears turned to joy. It was a lesson, from somewhere, God, Juhovia, Buddha, whoever it was, it saved me that day. It showed me that even when the chips are down no one believes you can do it. You can, and it takes one person to say I understand, all it takes sometimes is human compassion. We As 2020 nears an end. I have seen the lack of humanity. But there is one person out there, that will stand with you, you just have to keep looking. There is a fight in all of us, enough to survive. Is not always the doctors or the medication that saves a person. It is your own free will. I still think of my dragonfly, everyday, and I tell myself I can do this. I know that there are rough days ahead, I will face them head on, do the same for you. No one can save you but you! Remember that. Trust yourself. Be the dragonfly.