The Journey of a Lifetime

A few months ago, I came home from a long day and found out that my landlady had decided to kick us out. We were given 30 days notice, not nearly enough time to still work and keep my household afloat, especially working 3 jobs, doing my best to stay on top of my schoolwork at night and still take care of my kids. I have noticed a pattern in the past couple months. Being a survivor of domestic violence and abuse still feels like a struggle at times. Losing one of my jobs recently and immediately having had to replace it to not lose the income, and losing my house at the same time, seems to have pushed me to a mental point where I honestly cannot handle even talking to anyone about it. I hear the same thing from everyone when I try to explain how it makes me feel, the fact that my abusive ex-husband always had a job and house over our heads, and somehow no matter how hard I work right now, I feel like I am failing at even this task for my kids. They do not understand why we cannot go "home", as it is not our home anymore. No one talks about the lingering effects of surviving. No one warns you of the mental battles you will fight, or how in some moments when everything keeps piling up, you will compare yourself to the person who abused you. "How do they manage to do the simplest of these tasks in life, while at the same time leading a double life?" "How can they do these tasks, yet it seems like we can't?" The pain is real. The memories that it brings forth make it feel like it is happening all over again. Tonight when I came home, I had to come outside so my kids do not see me cry and falling apart. I want to be strong for them, and I am trying so hard. Yet, it feels like I am carrying such a heavy burden and now its plowing me down into the ground, and I lack the strength to get up, let alone move. No one warns you of the days when things will physically feel too hard to do and get done, or that it will feel like you are trudging through mud. No one speaks of the emotions that even the smallest things will trigger or even what to do when it happens. For me, I have struggled all my life with this. My go-to is to always shut people out and not talk about it- but instead to just ignore it and pretend it never happened in the first place, or to drink away my emotions about the pain and to try my best to numb out that pain. The past month has physically put me through a lot. Due to physical health concerns, I will no longer be able to consume any alcohol in my lifetime. Mentally, this has been an adjustment and a wake-up call. I do not have the opportunity to numb out the pain or escape from the memories. I have no choice now but to deal with it and accept what has happened. To work on the trauma is truly daunting and physically hurts. I know I need to be strong for myself, for my children, for my family, and for my friends. I feel I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and the stress is eating away at me. In this world of painful memories, I feel trapped and unable to escape. In truth, I know this is temporary and I will heal from it. But I am impatient to get to the finish line. I am tired of the stress and the pain and the flashbacks. More than anything, I am tired of feeling alone on this journey.I feel unsure that I will ever conquer this monster who plagues my dreams and haunts my memories on a daily basis. In the past, I have written articles for my movement I AM ME. Tonight I feel vulnerable, scared, and incredibly alone. Tonight, this is me. No matter my emotions, I am still ME.