The Jigsaw Puzzle

A jigsaw puzzle sat on that lonely table. Perfect and untouched, left collecting dust. Thanksgiving was the day it was tossed aside - smashed onto the floor.

No one could stop it. No one could save it. Pieces were lost and broken, kicked aside as a sick twisted joke.

And then the world turned upside down…

At first I sat on the cold tile of the ICU. There’s never a good place to sit when you need it. Rosary beads slip between fingers, and I quietly count off the prayers in quick succession. At least one of them is the miracle I’m waiting for, right?

And then it comes, much to my horror:

Oblivion.

We take turns then, all who will be left behind. As much as or as little time as needed to say what needs to be said, and share those last few moments while our family is still whole.

It is my turn now - a time that I’ve been dreading.

A time that shouldn’t have come.

A time that wasn’t supposed to be.

It is quiet and strangely comforting in the room. My fear has ebbed for now - take five everyone, the real show’s about to begin! - and I say my piece and promises.

I don’t know if you can hear it all, but I hope so.

I don’t know if you’ll accept them: is it what you even want for me?

But I know this much even if the words never come:

“I love you, Baby, but I want you to go now - I don’t want you to have this on your soul…”

The last kiss, -

God, I miss your kisses already! -

And it is time to go.

It’s so quiet here without you. I never realized how much you filled this place. It’s so lonely here without you.

I hate that we have to wait for your memorial. I hate that we can’t do it all and get it over with it. I hate that my mother is crying, that my brother is losing his mind.

I hate all of this.

I hate, hate, hate!

Damn you for leaving me! Damn it all to hell!

I can’t stand the hate, I can’t stand the fear, I can’t stand the stillness and chill of winter’s grip!

I want to go back to summer. I want to go back to the laughter. I want our family to be whole - not shattered like a jigsaw - I want you back in my life.

I want to go back home...

But I don’t know where home is now...

Not anymore.

Winter turns to Spring, and with it comes a vision, (mirroring reality):

Your casket lies open, beckoning its offerings.

In goes the tiny house, carefully planned and saved for since youth,

In goes the wedding veil - because any ceremony feels empty without you,

In goes the yellow booties, stitched tightly to warn tiny feet.

In goes everything with you, yours to take and keep.

Just, please, don’t forget me…

Like how we can’t forget you: the polished stone sees to that.

Finally, it arrived! Like that long forgotten prayer.

At last a proper resting place… though the road ahead is still long.

The storm in my heart not nearly close to breaking.

How did I ever do this in the first place? Before it was so easy, so I never paid attention. Dammit, I should’ve taken notes.

Another Spring has sprung, even though I can’t recall the Summer, Fall, and Winter. I never would’ve known what time of year it was if it hadn't been for that Cardinal in the window -

“Rise and shine! Rise and shine! Time to live again!” -

A new Spring brings new changes - unwelcome some may be - and the new changes bring new friends - very welcomed and non judgmental.

That’s a relief: I was afraid no one would want to sit with a basket-case!

New friends are made during an adventure…

(I’m hyperventilating inside! Why the hell did I ever decide to do this?! AAAAGGHHH!)

Tears are still frequent, and always at the worst times -

But then they are joined by laughter,

Once a distant memory.

I’ve seen so much - rolling carpets of green grass, thick gray skies, books upon books upon books! More than I could’ve ever imagined!

I’ve done so much - I stuck my face in a freezing river, visited castles upon the shores of glassy lakes.

I’ve met so many people - all so nice, and friendly, and amazing.

I didn’t know there were still such wonderful people in the world.

I didn’t know the world could be such a wonderful place after all.

I didn’t know I could have such fun!

Or rather, I think I had always known.

I think I must’ve forgotten, like those seasons not so long ago.

I still miss you, so much. Even more, now that so many others have followed you.

I hope you’re having fun - joking, laughing, running from a flailing two-by-four - (Yes, that really happened!) -

I hope you’ll keep checking in from time to time - I know you sometimes peek into our windows.

Some days are easier than others - some days are harder.

I’ll keep trying my best.

Sometimes I doubt my other promises, but I’ll do what I can and hope you’ll forgive me if I fail,

“Don’t you worry about that - you have always made me proud…”

Life goes on and then the storm breaks.

All that’s left is to piece together this damned jigsaw puzzle.

It was shattered on the floor, the day you went to hospital, and I’ve been struggling to put it back together. Now, it’s a little easier, even though some of the pieces are still missing.

But at least the picture is still kind of pretty somehow.

It will never be the same as before. It will never be complete.

But I hope that one day I can finish it again, in some new, exciting form.

I hope one day that the new pieces will find their way to me.

I hope…

At last, there is Hope.

- To Kelly