The Hardest Thing

I think one of the hardest things to talk about is how we personally think about ourselves. It usually comes easy to talk about how we interpret other people's feelings towards us. But even if these people do indeed hate us, and mistreat us, are they the real culprits for the self-hatred that comes with most mental disorders? Or is it that we, as flawed humans, always find it easier to place the blame on others before we place blame on ourselves? Could it even be the exact opposite: that we are so quick to place the blame on ourselves, that we completely neglect outside variables? Personally, I think it's a little bit of both. From my experience, we place the blame on the thing that is the exact opposite of who is actually at fault... You following? Even worse, when we swing back and forth between who we blame for our negative mental state also shoves us to and fro between extreme self-love, or extreme self-hate.

My mental state is at constant war between the two extremes: self-hate and self-love. Not often do I find that my mind is at equilibrium with itself. I could wake up one day and be on cloud nine. I want to dress cute, do my makeup, go out and see people... and it is euphoric. That feeling of positivity towards my identity is like a sugar high. Unfortunately, this feeling of extreme high is always followed by an even lengthier time at an extreme, and dangerous, low. Interestingly enough, I have found that there are certain triggers that push me towards this low. Unlike with the extreme high or feelings of self-love, where I just wake up feeling good, something I see or I do violently shoves me into that feeling of self-loathing. More often than not, it has something to do with my physical appearance, my grades/school, finances, or family stuff. I say "dangerous low" because not only does it cause me to mistreat myself, but it can also lead me to mistreat others.

The symptoms of the low are probably the most important, because they usually feed off of decisions or things I did while I was feeling good. The good feeling I often compare to that over-confidence you feel after a couple of shots: flirty, and looking for trouble. These high times are usually when I crave a significant other and a more sexually driven relationship. I usually download dating apps and start talking to a person(s) and get all gross and giggly about it. Unfortunately, these desires do not carry over to when I hit my low. I do crave company, but I simply crave someone to make me feel safe. It means that I delete the dating app, and stop talking to the people that want the sexual relationship I also wanted only a day or two earlier. And I hate that I do it, but I have little to no control over it.

Another thing I love to do, and hate that I do it, could easily be translated into a kind of self-punishment. I have very few clothes to begin with (all of my clothes fit into one bin, and most of it is XL hoodies), but when I hit this low I go through my clothes, pack them in a bag, and haul them to the nearest thrift store. This results in me never having clothes that support a healthy amount of body confidence. Which simply feeds the lows.

While all of these are hard, I think that the hardest thing is when people only take notice of the highs, but accredit the lows to over dramatization. Not only does this make it harder for us to be more open about what is going on in our heads, but it also multiplies the guilty feelings we already feel most of the time. If people would be willing to understand that there are highs that, not only go hand-in-hand with, but also contribute to the lows, it would end up being easier for us to be open with people and integrate ourselves into society smoothly. It would help relieve guilt for us, and probably guilt for those around us who think that something they did put us into a bad mood.

I am not usually this open with my feelings, and how I view the world. However, I think that hearing about other people feeling the same way helps to not feel so alone. It might make it easier. Maybe I'm wrong, but I know that there are more chances of others relating to my experiences than those who don't, and I do believe that it can help.