THE COVID PARADIGM

I was caught with my pants down. Not literally, you understand. Though it has been known. But that's another tale.

Battling mental health is a chore within itself, but keeping the demons at bay while in self isolation is another battle altogether. Just when you thought you were doing okay, some pandemic decides to interfere with your life. Now, this is the crux, a paradigm in itself. As much as the thing has been ghastly and cost a great many lives, torn heartstrings and shaken families to the core, some of us, a select minority have enjoyed the time to ourselves.

We live such fast lives. For some, the chance to take a breather and find ourselves has been a blessing. A lot of people find it hard everyday. Through anxiety and depression, or even those on the autism spectrum. Some of us crave solitude. The chance to shut the world out is a full house.

But we cannot grow complacent. We need the stimulus, if only for a few hours.

Since January I have been ill. I had the wind taken from me by the subtle shadow and over the last four months I have battled its myriad forces of darkness. I returned to my day job recently and all is good. I am happy, thankful to be in a support network who understand my strengths and weaknesses. But, alas, it is still me. I have a hard time proving that I am worth a damn. I write, I am the comedian in life, always trying to see the funny side in things. I am a clown. But I doubt myself, totally, everyday, every minute.

When Covid-19 hit I was strangely in an eddy of calm. You would think that something so profound and debiltating would hasten the depression within. In fact I found it strangely calming, theraputic. Don't get me wrong, I missed my friends, parents, sibling, and the freedom to just pop down to the local for a pint of lager, but there was clarity, for the first time in an age.

I always cycle come the Spring. But the threat of Coronavirus and the restrictions on free reign was limited. Thankfully the government told us exercise was paramount for mental health. Like we needed telling. I have been absoulutley smashing the living shit out of my bike. I can't get enough. I have clocked more miles in the space of four months than I have all of 2019. Covid -19 has shifted my perspective. I have been rocketing along my country roads like Bradley Wiggins on Crack. Enjoying the sun, the speed, the air and the occasional smell of obligatory cow shit.

I have enjoyed my family, more than ever. We have all rekindled our respective love for each other. Home schooling is an absolute arse but its brought out debate, respect ( not every day he says reaching for the merlot ) and comedy to a degree. I have written loads, edited my novel, worked my way through the second draft of the next. All within the parameters of going back to work after an extended absence.

I have found rythm. A joie de vivre.

In early January I was in a bad place. Looking back now I dont know how the hell I managed it. I shall not send you false meaning in this article. I was on the verge of ending my life. I dont know how, but I am glad circumstances at work possibly illuminated the fact that I was unwell. Sometimes we are dealt a hand which possibly opens a doorway to salvation. The circumstances around these dark thoughts are still a mystery. It happens. I have always been susceptible to dark thoughts. I have a distinct hate of bullies and people who think they are above you on the food chain. I am a total fool, but I cannot suffer the ethics of avarice and capitilism and those who demean the weak. Suffice to say my greivance was born from a distinct hatred of people uneducated in the realms of mental health.

Covid -19 has ravaged and brought hell and ruin to us all. People have lost jobs, lovers, wives, husbands, siblings and friends. It is another test upon our dimunitive stature upon the world. Whether you think it is a conspiracy or just an accident of nature you can bet we will see what is important before us. Health, mental or otherwise, family, the need to feel alive, loved, smitten, needed. We are all in this togehter, male and female, black or white, gay or trans, it doesn't matter. We all carry blemsishes on the inside reagrdless of creed or health.

We stand on the edge of the precipice as a species. Not just as indivduals, but as a race, the human race. Mother Nature has already released her first salvo, look inside yourselves and search within what is really important to you. If everyone in the world was turned inside-out we would all be the same colour.

Get a grip. I have, thankfully.

This will not be the end! The coming of Covid -19 has made us all look at the media in a new light; one cast in numerous shadows. We all feel the pressure of the pandemic. Those with mental health and finacial difficuties more so. I feel blessed that I started medication prior to the lockdown. It has lifted me and I have found a particlular niche, a groove in which to flourish. Others have not. Self isolating to the derogatory tune of a bumbling oaf and his lackeys dosen't fill an ill mind with hope. Let's just cut the thick of it, shall we! They fucked up. They were more concerned about the economy than peoples' lives. People are dying (still), people are hurting, families are greiving and peoples' minds are falling prey to another disease - Depression, in its varied hues.

The media has a lot to answer for in this. When you wake in the morning and you check what's happening on social media you can see an article from some unkown website about the 'man made coronavirus'. A train with Covid -19 emblazoned in yellow paint on the side. This feeds an already weak and tired mind. You have clicked the link and when you take your daily constitutional to the loo later, you look at Facebook on your phone and notice that you have another article on Covid -19 which says it was made in a lab with the DNA of a bat and some space dust. Just under the piece on the man who lived on Mars for 2 years.

This is not healthy people.

I got fed up with the daily reports on Covid-19 a week in. Why? Because it was unhealthy to be listening to it - for me, anyway. Besides, I had already seen people breaking the lockdown rules two days in. For me, it was a chance for the government to have you where they wanted you! In your box, deflecting your eyes and thoughts about other stuff - like Syria. It did indeed feel like an episode of Black Mirror. I hate dystopian stuff. I wasn't having it. I trusted my mind, my own health. And so must you. If you have depression turn away from that television. Please, go for a walk, or read a book. Go out in that sunshine and take yourself out of the machine.

They'll hate you for it. Which is a good thing.

The internet can be a wonderful tool. But let' not give ourselves to it totally. If you are feeling down the last thing you want to see is a couple talking into a phone and raving about how hard their lives are, as the cleaner has decided to call in sick. Star Trek is more beleivable. Yes, really. It tells the tale of a crew from all walks of life and beyond, of coming together and solving a problem with ehtics and science. A vlogger will be geting paid a ridiculous amount of money to promote products and talk about their nails or the latest fad in micro badgers or something. And yet they lure you in about how tough life has been on them, dangling the pity stick in your faces.

Go to bed.

Sleep.

It's important.

The best thing you can do is take your masks and place them over your eyes, and think. FOR YOURSELF. Walk away from Boris and Trump, Putin and the grinding machine of capitilism and let your brain decide where you want to go.

You'll be surprised.

The biggest disease we face is the manipulation of us all through the pseudo of news of the media.

Close your eyes.