The Comfort of Drowning

Have you ever experienced drowning? I'm not necessarily alluding to water being involved.. although there are certainly parallels. The drowning that I have experienced on too many occasions to count is one of the metaphysical variety. Some people call it anxiety, some people call it panic attacks, some people call it a disorder of the mind. I call it drowning.

It starts small.

You feel it building deep at the core of your chest. Not where your heart is. It is born from a place more sinister. As if a phantom organ was implanted without your consent and programmed as a ticking time bomb attached to your deepest fears and worries. And when you try to diffuse this bomb, you always cut the wrong wire and the explosion always shakes you to your core.

The crescendo of crashing waves grows into a tsunami until you're left standing on the beach... all alone... waiting to meet your maker.

You lose your concept of time. You lose your concept of being. All that exists in that moment is your march towards impending doom.

You detach from your body, from friends, from the world. How much time has passed? What day is it? Where am I? Is anyone watching me? Do they know something is wrong? Are they scared for me? Are they scared of me?

These are questions for later. All can focus on right now is the tsunami.

Before you can brace yourself it crashes upon your beach with a force that rivals nuclear destruction. And there you are again... in that familiar state of drowning.

It's almost comforting. Crashing through the turbulent waters of your own soul. Unable to swim, unable to breathe, never knowing which way is up.

But you've been in this void before. The lack of oxygen is a sadistic comfort as you can finally feel something that isn't disappointment or resentment or insecurity or a broken heart. And in that moment you don't miss the ones the you've lost. You don't remember you're alone. All there is, all that there ever will be is drowning.

I like to think that it's a feeling we've all shared. I'm doubtful that any one person that has ever existed is beyond these feelings. After all it's the emotions we feel that make us human.

I've heard it said that even the happiest person in the world feels sad sometimes.

I would like to meet this person. If I had to guess, I would surmise that they don't have an Instagram or Twitter. They don't watch television or read the news. I mean honestly... they must live by themselves on a deserted island because how can anyone be on social media or take a look at the world in general and feel OK?

All of the death, famine, climate change, wars, social inequality, the list goes on and on and on and on... and oh yeah can't forget about the global pandemic.

Ignorance is bliss. And I envy the ignorance of that happy person alone on that deserted island.

We don't have the luxury of ignorance. The only way out is through. And I intend to break down every damn wall in my path. We can't succumb to the perils of life. We can not go gentle into that good night.

So this 2022 I pledge to fight back and I invite you to fight with me.

Turmoil is inevitable but in spite of that you can only control what you can control.

After every tsunami is a rainbow. No longer will I take comfort in drowning. I will take comfort in the rainbow. I will take comfort in my friends, my family, my dreams, my inner voice I've kept silent for too long.

Therefore my new years resolution is simply to breathe. And to cherish every breathe. When I feel that itch deep in my core, that crescendo of waves building to its climax, I will breathe. With every inhale is another victory and this year I plan on going undefeated.