The Br🤕ken...

My brain is broken, it doesn’t work like most, my thoughts drive others crazy and my mind does not ever stop. I worry non stop about the dumbest things and often worry more about others feelings then my own. I have been called every name in the book by people who are supposed to love me, I have been hit and pushed and knocked down. And even though somedays it’s so hard to get back up , to keep facing the world, I do. I manage to pull myself back to my feet, cover up the pain and try to appear normal in the eyes of everyone I meet. Its exhausting acting all day, everyday. Inside I am torn right apart, inside my everything cries, screams and just wants to give up. I have lost happiness, I feel like everyday is just a challenge to survive , there is no time for happiness when your always at the brink of death and fighting with everything you have to not let go. And I can’t even fight with my own wanting to give up moments without feeling drowned with guilt. Guilt of how can I feel this way when people who want nothing more then to live and do so happily die in tragic accidents all around us. So to add to my already worn down and broken brain I have to add guilt for even having these feelings and moments. It’s a crazy place to be and it’s so scary to be in this place all alone. No one understands it, they might say they do, the might feel bad finding out what you actually go through but they will never really understand it. My family means more to me then anything in my life and yet mentally I can’t seem to enjoy them because I worry about them more then I do things with them. The constant worry, wondering, scared of everything makes me pull away from them , from everyone. Somedays I wake up and I just don’t want any friends, i don’t want anyone knowing me, I just want everyone to forget for a day that I even exist. Just forget for a whole week that they even know me. Just let me rest, let me not have to worry or wonder. The constant what did they actually mean when they said that or they looked at me funny but why , what is actually going on. The constant worry of being talked about behind your back. I know it happens. I hear things, my brain is broken but it is sharp and well tuned to sniff out betrayal. Somedays I just can’t take the jokes, the insults in fun or the even the small talk. Somedays I just want it all to go away. I just want to be alone, I just want to be silent, I just want to stop thinking and worrying and wondering. Somedays I just want to feel free, I want to just be me whoever me is, I don’t even know who me is cause I don’t even know the last time i felt safe enough to actually be me.

I am so tired of comparing myself to others and always feeling less of person then them, sick of feeling like others are more important or better or out of my league. I don’t even want to be in a league so why do I even care if I am out of ones league or not? I don’t want to be anything, yet I want to be everything all at once. I realize I make no sense to someone with a sane mind but I know their are others that might somewhat get what I am saying.

I do feel I better just make it clear that I am not suicidal in case this makes people worry about my well being. I worry I am at times but I am such a chicken about everything, I am too chicken to self harm. Although there is a song called ghost by badflower that I listen to over and over and I can actually imagine exactly what he is singing and what he is saying and can picture the whole thing so vividly, its scares me and yet brings me some sort of freedom at the same time, trust me though it scares me way more then the freedom stuff. I am in no way suicidal and if I was I would get help immediately. I have too much to lose to do that type a thing. I love my family way to much to put that on their shoulders. I think what happens is my broken brain just gets so tired, I seem to feel every emotion around me from everyone, plus my own and it just become so overwhelming at times and I have these breakdowns usually silently and no one even knows it’s happening. I stand 2 feet away from everyone totally completely broken inside and not one person notices , it’s both upsetting yet good at the same time. I am not a hugger in fact most physical contact makes me so uncomfortable and I really don’t like it and will avoid it but sometimes I just long for someone to hold me till I am fixed, pretty sure no one has that power though so hugs will just be forever avoided when possible. I just want someone to see through the mask I wear every day and magically fix me but no one has those super powers, no one can fix me and sadly I feel like I am too broken to even begin to try to fix myself.

At least not today anyway….but maybe tomorrow when I once again pick my self up and put on my mask and face the world again maybe tomorrow is the day something magical will happen and someone or something will fix this broken me.

At least It does seem that no matter how crappy I feel…i can always muster up some sort of hope and that gives me something to look forward to, maybe just maybe I won’t be broken forever. 💕