The 3 C's to Overcome Shame.

Are you feeling ashamed? How long has that pain been gnawing away at you? Perhaps it has made you reclusive, introverted and clinging to the illusion of a Comfort Zone.

You might feel that you have no one in whom you can confide. Maybe you worry about their response. Will people think less of you? Will they mock you?

I have overcome the shame associated with mental illness and severe bullying. It is hard to open up about these experiences, but it is necessary because, as you will see, shame dies when experiences are shared.

Shame makes us hide. It eats away at our spirit and makes us defensive. To protect ourselves, we gradually shrink into an ever-reducing comfort zone.

In short, shame prevents us from living up to our potential.

When I began to suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a Police Officer, I was overwhelmed by shame. Other police also attended the incident, which led to my psychological issues. And they all seemed fine. So what on earth was wrong with me?

I briefly visited a therapist which did not work out, mainly because I did not want to be there. I arrogantly saw people that undergo therapy as weak.

So I went back to work on the front line asap. I attended more traumatic incidents, which made my condition worse. This time I didn’t ask for help until I spectacularly imploded four years later, costing me my career and mental health.

This led to more shame over my apparent weakness, leading to a dark depression that lasted for several years.

Putting the stressful incidents aside, shame was the most significant factor that hindered my recovery and (thankfully temporarily) destroyed my life. Please do not take it lightly.

1. Communication.

I overcame my feeling of shame through communication. By shining a light on my emotions, they could no longer hide in the shadows. All you need is one person you trust to put this into action.

If talking about your shame is a step too far for now, how about writing it down? This kind of therapy is what I am doing right now. Ironically, it is easier to share my vulnerability to strangers through writing than it ever has been to talk about it to someone close.

2. Contemplation.

Another technique I use is contemplation. Yes, my mind is telling me I should feel shame but is it right?

Over the years, I have realised perhaps other officers at the scene DID suffer varying degrees of trauma. How would I know if they did or not? They might have been thinking the same thing about me.

I have realised people who attend therapy are not weak. They are the strong ones who admit they need help. It is never weak to ask for help.

I have also contemplated the distinction between guilt and shame. According to verywellmind.com, guilt is:

“Feeling remorse or responsible for something you’ve done wrong or perceived you did wrong.

Relating to a specific action like making a mistake, committing an offense, or hurting someone (intentionally or unintentionally).”

Shame is:

“Feeling that you are bad, worthy of contempt, or inadequate as a person.

Relating to our behavior or self, often in relation to other people’s opinions, not necessarily about a specific behavior or event.”

This can be summarised by saying guilt is a reaction to an action you have taken, whereas shame is a feeling about who you are.

You are not the sum total of your actions. As a human being, you have intrinsic self-worth above and beyond what you do with your life.

Shame is a spotlight on our insecurities. If you lack confidence in an area that is then called into question, it is easy to fall into a spiral of shame.

After the bullying and abuse I suffered at school, I took up a punishing fitness and martial arts schedule to feel better about myself and to be able to defend myself if necessary.

One day a “friend” patted me on the stomach and made a joke about me being fat. All of a sudden, my newfound confidence crumbled like a house made of cards.

Through contemplation, I realised it wasn’t my friend who made me ashamed of my appearance. They merely shone a light on a deep routed issue that I was pretending did not exist.

In contrast, I have always been reasonably confident in my level of intelligence. If I say something stupid and someone jokes that I am dumb, it is like water off a duck’s back. Deep down, I know I am not dumb, so there is no room for shame.

Therefore we should treat the feeling of shame as a valuable chance to improve ourselves. If shame creeps in, we are not as confident in that area as we thought. This provides a valuable opportunity for self-improvement.

3. Connection.

Shame can only exist in isolation. I have already discussed the importance of communicating your feelings to others, but we should take this further. Friends, family, society or even God, if that is compatible with your belief system.

The more you connect, the more you will feel part of something greater than yourself. We are not meant to be isolated.

Eventually, we will all die. However, we have a chance at leaving a legacy that will extend beyond our death. Such a legacy is obtained through service to others, acting as the world’s greatest antidote to shame.