Talking Heads

I’m a Talking Head

I laughed when I first heard the old joke. ‘I said to myself, “Self,” I knew it was me because I recognized the voice’. However, I also felt #seen.

If you’re one of the 26% of people who talk aloud to themselves, you are my people. Don’t be alarmed. I’ve done a little digging, and it’s not only considered “normal” but frequently associated with higher intelligence. That is if you’re talking to yourself, not the “voices” in your head because that’s different. If your voice, or if other voices in your head that are not "yours," are concerning or destructive, you should seek help.

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t talk to myself out loud. Not all the time, of course, but frequently. As soon as I could talk, I was a chatty child. I don’t remember my parents being concerned about my conversations with myself, maybe because if I was off somewhere rambling to myself, it gave them a break from listening to me.

Generally, I don’t verbalize in public, but I do catch myself in stores comparing labels on cans or sorting through the produce aisle. The thought process sometimes sneaks outside of my head. The worst place for this is trying on clothes in a dressing room. When that magic curtain closes, my brain assumes I’m alone, and I verbally evaluate the clothes I’m trying on. Of course, I try to control it, but often I don’t notice I’m doing it.

It's been annoying to co-workers in the past because they assume I’m talking to them. As one friend and co-worker said. “Okay, I’m just going to assume that you’re not talking to me. So, if you want to talk to me, please call me by name first, so I know to listen.”

My partner doesn’t understand my issue. Most of the time, he ignores it when I verbalize, but when he’s concentrating on something, he finds it distracting. He rarely talks to himself, unless he hits his head, or drops something, then he’ll utter some colorful words. When we first met, he lived alone, and he didn’t go out for a few days, because he was working on something. He went to the bank to cash a cheque, and when he tried to speak to the cashier no sound came out. He had laryngitis.

This completely baffled me. I asked, “How could you not know you had laryngitis? Don’t you talk to yourself when you’re alone?”

He replied, “Of course not! Why would I?”

“Not even when you’re making a coffee in the morning, and organizing your day?” I inquired. That was greeted with a blank stare.

I find if my stress level goes up, my outer dialogue increases. When thoughts are racing through my head, verbalizing helps slow down the process and allows me to focus on what needs to be done instead of all the “what ifs.” It helps change the pattern into productive thinking. Chatting out loud helps me organize, remember things, and follow directions.

I did a little digging and found some interesting facts, which in turn, led me to another possible issue I have. Notice it’s an issue, perhaps, but it is not a disorder. I am not “sick,” and neither are you.

According to scientists at Bangor University, speaking out loud to yourself was “found to be a trait of higher cognitive function”.

In a recent tweet, Psychology Living commented that “Generally, talking to yourself is a sign of higher intelligence. In fact, those who talk to themselves tend to achieve more in life.”

I found this next study interesting, perhaps because it justifies my verbalizing in grocery stores.

A 2011 study printed in the Quarterly Journal of Experimental Psychology examined the benefits of talking to oneself by assigning 20 participants to locate certain objects in a supermarket. During one trial, no one was allowed to talk as they searched for the given grocery items. However, in the second trial, the participants were told that they could repeat the names of the objects aloud as they searched for them.

In the second trial, it was easier for subjects to locate the items. Talking to themselves out loud sparked their memory and created a stronger association between language and visual targets.

I was feeling quite good about myself and slightly less abnormal. I continued to casually “research” the topic and came upon this related topic, from Wikipedia. “Aphantasia (/ˌeɪfænˈteɪʒə/ ay-fan-TAY-zhə, /ˌæfænˈteɪʒə/ a-fan-TAY-zhə) is the inability to voluntarily create mental images in one's mind.[1]”

Wait, what? That’s me! I’ve been aware I couldn’t keep an image in my head for years. It might have been helpful if I knew this in school. I was a good student, I could memorize what I needed, but math was a huge problem. I couldn’t process it in my head. I couldn’t hold a problem in my head long enough for it to make sense. I can't understand naturally gifted students who have trouble when they have to show their work. I could never complete a test because I had to write everything I was thinking down. There was no clear path. I might get the answer, but not in a timely fashion.

Later, in my thirties, I had another discovery about my issue. While she watched me figure out materials needed for a craft project, my friend, Joan, was confused by my lack of simple math skills. I scribbled numbers on a scrap of paper and said I needed a calculator. She told me to picture an abacus in my head and use the beads to calculate. I had no idea how to use an abacus. Secondly, I realized I couldn’t picture an abacus in my head, just an idea of one. I certainly couldn’t move the beads in my head.

Another clue came when I was fifty and went to @aliveandfreehypnosis center. The therapist asked me to close my eyes and picture a candle with a flickering flame. Nope. I vaguely could hold a candle in my head and even get a flicker for a second, but then it was gone. Just blackness, no images. I was successful at hypnosis, because of the calming dialogue, but images weren’t possible except for very brief glimpses.

From mindbodygreen.com . The only way to be "sure" you have Aphantasia would be to see a neurologist and potentially get fMRI brain imaging done, to look at what's happening in your brain when you try to visualize, Swart explains.

That said, there is a simple and helpful test that can give you a clue into whether you may have it: Close your eyes and try to imagine an apple, seeing it mentally in your mind's eye. If you can see anything (anything at all—even a blurry outline), you do not have Aphantasia. If you see a void of complete darkness, you might have Aphantasia.

VVIQ Instructions (The Vividness of Visual Imagery Questionaire)

"For each scenario, try to form a mental picture of the people, objects, or setting. Consider carefully the vividness of your visual imagery experience. Does some type of image come to mind? Rate how vivid the image is using the 5-point scale. If you do not have a visual image, rate vividness as ‘1’. Only use ‘5’ for images that are as lively and vivid as real seeing. The rating scale is as follows:

1. No image at all, I only “know” I am thinking of the object

2. Dim and vague image

3. Moderately realistic and vivid

4. Realistic and reasonably vivid

5. Perfectly realistic, as vivid as real seeing

Author: Sarah Regan , Medical reviewer: Ilene Ruhoy, M.D., Ph.D.

Most of my answers to the quiz were #1, followed by #2. When my eyes are closed, I don't see anything. I can think about a flickering candle, I know what it looks like, but I can't actually visualize it.

I find it odd that many people with Aphantasia are creative. I'm creative too, so it does make sense. I can create, but it comes from ideas, words, and thoughts, not pictures. I can think about a deer running through a forest, but I just KNOW it; I don't actually see it.

Famous People with Aphantasia

• Ed Catmull, co-founder of Pixar, and former president of Walt Disney Animation Studios. Catmull surveyed 540 colleagues from Pixar about their mental visualization and found that the production managers tended to have stronger visualizations than the artists.[26]

• Glen Keane, animator, author, and illustrator[29]

• Mark Lawrence, fantasy author[31]

• Yoon Ha Lee, science fiction author[32]

• Blake Ross, co-creator of the web browser Mozilla Firefox.[36] In April 2016, Ross published an essay describing his own Aphantasia and his realization that not everyone experiences it.[37][38] The essay gained wide circulation on social media and in a variety of news sources.[39][40]

• Michelle Sagara, fantasy author[41]

Most of the people cited above are in Animation or Fantasy careers. Maybe we create worlds we can't visualize so we can then see them when they are completed. We have a lot going on in our heads, just not pictures.