Stuffing It

My alarm went off at 8am. I would have continued sleeping, but there were three pressing issues to attend to. First, I would remind my son to get up for his workday. He's grown and I only do this as a safeguard for him as a courtesy to his efforts. I don't mind. If anyone wants to better themselves and their family, I'm all for that.

Even if I wasn't a wake up call for someone, my dog, Boss lets me know it's time for him to go out. But as a courtesy to me, he waits for me to use the bathroom first. I think he understands an old bladder comes before his need to find a tree or a tire.

Today was trash day, anyway. The garbage truck wakes us all up on Wednesdays. Routines and conditioned noises are comforting for retirees. We have something to look forward to on Tuesday evenings, scurrying to put any last minute trash in the bin.

I thought about staying up and attending to housework, but not today. After I drank a cup of hot tea, fed and watered Boss and my two cats, we all chose to continue a long cuddle in our appropriate places.

The phone woke me with its ring a little after 1pm. It was my son calling to check on me. He's worried that I haven't eaten much since my other dog, Duke died. I just haven't had the appetite, honestly. Come to think of it, my other fur babies aren't as hungry of late, either. Maybe we are all in mourning.

It's August in Louisiana. That means it is ungodly hot and humid. I won't walk today. I figure taking a walk isn't going to be the same without my Duke by my side. I'm not ready to try just yet.

I emptied the dishwasher and loaded a few odds and ends. We have leftovers to eat, so there's no need to try to pull anything from the freezer for dinner. The floors need sweeping, but I have no energy or motivation. The bed is calling me again.

This time I turn Hulu on my computer screen and opt for the series I've been watching. I normally only watch that at night before sleep. But, on this Wednesday day, when I catch up on a certain reality game show each week, I find it has been postponed. The reason being one of the political conventions was being aired. I'm annoyed. Now my routine has further been disrupted. I can add that to my reasons to not vote for that candidate.

I did eat half a sandwich today.

For the rest of the day I kept occupied with the series. It doesn't allow me to think or to feel. I will get to feeling better soon, but until then I have no intention of pressuring myself to do anything but rest.

Yes, this is depression. But it's situational depression secondary to the grieving process. It's universal. It's part of being human. I used to have more reserve and bounce back faster. Maybe I just stuffed "things and carried on." I know I did that more than once. Now there's no place to go to "carry on." Another beautiful part of aging...not the aging gracefully kind, either.

Now I write about "it." I am stuffing it into words on this page and for that I must apologize. Hope you haven't had to indulge and regurgitate on my lack of silver linings in this story.

But maybe this might help others/someone who needs to hear it to be real with themself in their own grief. Feel it without regret. If you have lost someone or something you love, just feel it. It's the love you wish you still had and the emptiness of that void. Take all the time needed to gain strength again. Be patient with yourself.