Stand up to the bullies…

My name is Elizabeth, and I am a survivor of child abuse and horrific trauma. I write for those who don’t always feel like they have a voice because I want to raise awareness of what it is like to live with Complex PTSD.

In this article, I want to address the trauma response that so many survivors use, and that is the “Fawn state.” We often hear about the “fight or flight” symptoms, but the “fawn state” is rarely talked about. There are many people who have lived through trauma that still believe that their lives and feelings do not matter. It’s a one of those “side-effects” we carry with us since the trauma happened. We would rather disappear into the masses than speak up. The fawn response is something we were forced into as children by our abusers because it was how they used to make us complicit and blind to what was happening to us. We were scared and traumatized as children. We believed that we were going to die if we ever told what was happening to us, and that fear often stays deep within us even as adults. It is very hard to stop feeling that fear. I know it. I’ve lived it and sometimes that fear returns when I least expect it — even now decades later.

People who have suffered from child abuse or repeated traumatic events from war, often struggle from time to time. Situations arise in daily life that most people shrug off as normal, like a stressful situation, but not for a survivor. You may find yourself in a meeting and a topic is discussed that makes you feel a little worse for wear. You may find your palms getting sweaty, or you get goosebumps. You may even feel light-headed. As that meeting goes on, the others in the room move on to other topics on the agenda, but your mind is still whirring like a cog in your brain about that previous topic. You cannot seem to move on and there is some kind of trigger that has started gnawing its way into your consciousness. You want to get out of that room and breathe. At the same time as this is happening, someone asks you a question which needs and answer. Before you have time to think, you have signed up for something you didn’t want to do — yet again. Your colleagues learn that you will do anything, no questions asked.

Has this ever happened to you?

As survivors, we have to take our lives into action and speak up. If there is something you do not want to do, then DON’T do it. Question people’s motives and ask why you have been volunteered yet again. Why is it always your turn? I promise you, there will be raised eyebrows in the room and there may even be protests, but YOU will feel so much better for questioning why. The reason why you choose not to do something is yours and yours alone. No one should make you do anything, unless it is part of your contract at work.

I had an epic example at work a few months ago, where I was fed up with a colleague taking little digs at me about how I choose to help people. She saw it as a weakness to help someone. I don’t raise my voice because I don’t feel the need for it, and I am always professional and polite with the people I work with. There are always colleagues who aren’t necessarily those who you want to be friends with, and if you didn’t work with them, you would probably never bump into them. People are different and have different priorities and even morals. I respect that, but when those people do not respect me back, I get angry. I will go and have a cry in the restrooms and try and talk myself back to dignity and carry on with my day.

A few months ago, I decided that enough was enough. I work hard and I am a mom. I do the best that I can, with the time that I have, and how I do things speaks volumes about the type of person that I am. If I choose to care about a colleague who is going through a tough time and help them, why is that a problem for other people? I get that some people get jealous but that is no reason to disrespect a person and lash out verbally. I have been a target for a while, and I hate being a bull’s eye. I shouldn’t have to take being bullied.

One day I answered back with the same snarly tone that my colleague used on me. It was met with silence and a death stare and then they walked away without a word.

I felt proud that day. I stood up for myself, and I got the person to stop verbally lashing out at me. I don’t think my colleague was aware of how she spoke to me in that moment. I decided to try and put myself in my colleague’s shoes, and I learned a lot just from reading the signs. I saw a hurt soul like my own, but I would never treat others badly because I am hurting or having a bad day.

I am a survivor of horrific trauma, but I feel there is enough pain and hurt in this world for us to carry on being mean to one another. I would never willingly hurt someone, just to make me feel better — because it wouldn’t. If I turned into a bully, I would be the same as those who traumatized me and I couldn’t stoop to that level. NO, I choose to be me, every time.

God tells us in the bible in the book of Matthew 7:12:

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

In essence, God wants us to be kind and treat each other with respect, but when that respect is broken, you have to stand up and fight back. People are inherently lazy and will pray on anyone who is weaker and malleable to do the work for them. I have been the victim of this for many years because I am always choosing kindness and compassion rather than being rude and hurtful. I often do my own job and small favors for colleagues on the way but I have come to realize that this is not helping me, nor is it helping the person who is trying to get out of putting in the hard work.

Don’t hide behind people who think they are better than you, and take advantage. Follow your heart and speak up if someone oversteps that proverbial “line”. Enough is enough and you need to fight when the fight is right.

My name is Lizzy, and I am a survivor. People have to take me as I am because I matter and so do you! I have come so far in my life and come from trauma and abuse. I left that life a long time ago and now I am strong. I trust myself to make my own choices and follow my heart. If something doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t.

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