Self Love: Scars and all

When something breaks, it will never be as it was before. No amount of super glue or duct tape can force something back to the way it was in the past. The cracks will still be there; some pieces might even stay missing for good. Once broken, a thing will never be the same. Maybe it will be better than it was before, made stronger when it is put back together. There is a practice in some cultures where gold is used to seal the cracks, making the broken thing more beautiful and valuable. Or perhaps it will be more like scar tissue; it will look stronger than it was and even feel thicker but be weaker than it was and less able to withstand the wear and tear of life. And the thing about broken objects is this, whether they come out stronger after the break or weaker, they can always be broken again.

When I imagine my heart, I picture it as having a lot of scar tissue. Some are just little cuts from small snubs and broken promises. While others are much deeper, things that time has let me mostly forget, but that still haunt me. Clinging to me like my shadow. It is a lot of scar tissue. And it might be harder to pierce, but once it is, it all comes unraveling and I am left exposed. Which is absolutely terrifying to me. Because every prick, every stab, every tear hurts.

The problem is that the greatest threat to my heart and the greatest obstacle to its healing is the same: me. I hold back even with my own family because I am so afraid of having my heartbroken. I thought if I kept my heart locked up, no one could break it. But I’m the one breaking it. I break it a little more every time I say no to a possibility that I have convinced myself is too good to be true. I break it a little more when I pull back from friends that genuinely want what is best for me because I am scared of getting too close only to lose them. I break it a little more when I put on a false face and pretend to be someone I am not around my family; because every time I do the little voice deep inside of me telling me that I’m not good enough and they won’t love the real me gets louder and louder.

I was so consumed with fear that someone else would break me again, that I broke myself first. Which in hindsight, was really dumb.

It’s hard for me to say this, but deep inside I know it's also true, I deserve better than what I do for myself and what I give to myself. I genuinely try to be a good person and always put all of myself into helping others when I can, so why can't I turn some of that energy back around to myself? If one of my friends treated themselves the way I treat myself, I would dedicate every day to making sure they knew that they were loved and deserved better. So why is it so hard for me to think of myself as deserving better? It's like I'm punishing myself for not being good enough when I never gave myself a chance to do better.

But that stops now. Or rather, that stopped in 2020. The year where so many things went wrong that 2021 should be the year where things start to get set right again. For everyone.

I hate to admit it, but I don't love myself. I never really did. I always had this idea of what the perfect version of me would be and that if I just worked hard enough, I would get there, and then everything would fall into place. That was the self I loved, the unachievable dream version of me that I was scrambling desperately to reach. And then I’d slip, or I’d falter, and that image would get further and further away. And every time I didn’t achieve what I set out to do it just became another reason to tear myself down. Another voice telling me that if I let someone in, they’d only leave because I wasn’t enough.

This is the year that I stop treating myself like a failure and start treating myself as I would a friend. This is the year that I tell myself that if I tried my best and did what I could, that it’s okay that I didn’t succeed. This is the year that I accept that it isn’t a sign of vanity to want to look my best and that it isn’t a waste of money to take care of myself or my appearance. This is the year that I take the first step forward to loving myself for who I am, scars and all. And then maybe once I have learned to love myself, I will be able to step forward into the world ready to love others. And maybe this year my resolution of self-love will lead to a resolution next year of finding love.