Self Counselling

I am not good enough. I have never been good enough. I have always been the one that people excpect so much from and the one that never delivered. But why is that?

I once took part in a past life regression therapy session to try and answer, why am I not living up to my potential? Firstly, maybe even asking such a specific question could be seen as ridiculously egotistical and maybe I am. However, I was always told how bright I was, how talented I was and how I find everything so easy.

"You're so laid back, why do you find life so easy?"

Maybe this narrative has left me with some sort of subconcious conditioning. Maybe my ego just belived all it was hearing and decided that life would be easy, that success was just around the corner.

Anyway, I digress. The idea of the past life regression was to see if anything had happened in a previous incarnation that could have carried over as emotional baggage in to my current existence. Although the session started off slow, I did end up having a very clear message from a potential previous life.

In this vision I started off by looking down up on a huge english country mansion. Inside I saw myself standing next to a big open fireplace. I was wearing a sharp suit and shiny patent leather shoes. On the mantle there were pictures of two women. One was my wife and one was my daughter. I was proud of these pictures and had a deep love for both, but deep inside I knew I was alone. The huge house felt empty and my soul neglected. I was then taken to my death bed. I was in hospital and very old. Outside the room where I lay sat a women who I knew as my daughter and I suddenlt felt a deep regret of not getting to know her better. I had spent my life building weath, buying big houses and developing business deals to the detriment of my home life. The conclusion reached on my death bed was that none of it was worth that sacrifice.

I have no idea about the validity of past lives. This could well have been a story invented by my subconcious to put some kind of meaning to my original question. It could even have been developed to give my ego a chance to worm his way out of any responsibilty by saying. "see, it's not your fault you don't complete what you start, you were destined to be average."

Whether my over inflated ego is the problem or I was destined to be the way I am there is still a very serious problem. I have the desire to be succesful. I want to look back on my life and feel like I have achieved something. I feel that I have a higher than average intelligence and that I am capable of being something great. However, I also feel that the harder I try at life, the deeper in the shit I seem to go. I may have minimal immediate successes but after that I never know where to go. I have become fearful of fucking up, I am worried about what others think of me and my ideas and am easily swayed by my emotions and the opinions of others. I freeze up when I speak in public to the point where I want to cry and can not convey my thoughts clearly unless I am writing them down. Becuase of this I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I am letting all of those people down that said I was talented and smart. I feel like a major disappointment. This inner dialogue of frustration leads to anxiety and the want to give in to feelings of comfort and security. So where the hell do I go from here?