Searching For Something I'll Never Find

I’m not sure why I’m this way.

Was I born like it? Is it genetic? Did bad crap happen that turned me into this?

I'll never truly know!

Perhaps it’s an inability to live in the present moment, living in my head constantly, ashamed of the past and worried about the future.

Perhaps it’s some mental disorder that makes me uncomfortable and need to escape situations.

Just general anxiety which feels like a constant never ending sense of impending doom.

It also may be a way of thinking I’ve slowly developed and reinforced over the years.

A dead mom, a grief stricken father, a friend I found hanging in his apartment.

I'm sure all of these contributed.

However it began, it hurts me all the same, taking a toll on my mental health and my ability to function in the real world.

It's like a nagging tooth driving you crazy, needing immediate extraction.

Unfortunately, the brain cannot be exctracted.

Yet...

I always feel off.

I’m never content, always feeling a compulsion to be somewhere else.

When I was working I would think about getting home and watch the clock slowly grinding its way to 4:30.

When I got home, I also felt uncomfortable, not knowing what to do with myself, wishing I was elsewhere.

For me, alcohol completely got rid of this feeling, but unfortunately, that’s not an option for me anymore.

I need to find some other way to enjoy the moment I’m in and stop living in my head, thinking about what happened yesterday or what is happening next.

It’s like the saying…

“The grass is always greener on the other side”

But I‘ve found that it isn’t.

I go from side to side, searching for some grass that will make me feel at peace, make me comfortable in my own skin, and provide a little bit of happiness in this life.

I can never seem to find it.

I know what the problem is. I am trying to find internal happiness through external means.

“I’ll be happy once I’m off work for the day.”

“I’ll be happy once I make enough money this year.”

“I’ll be happy when I achieve that goal I set my mind to.”

I am always yearning to be in some other place or time where I find some semblance of happiness and inner peace but this is a fool’s errand.

There is no such place.

I must learn to be comfortable in my own skin and in whatever surroundings or circumstances I find myself in.

Instead of trying to escape from things I need to embrace them.

If I have four more hours of work for the day I need to tackle it head-on and do my best, not trying to just pass the time until I see the clock hit 4:30.

Also, having goals is amazing, but focusing on the result or dreaming about how you will feel when you reach the goal is a mistake.

The joy is actually in the process.

Something I am just learning now.

So from now on I will try to embrace my circumstances and whatever I am faced with each day.

I will no longer try to escape or run from them, I will try to accept them.

I will embrace every situation as if I’ve chosen it.

I hope this brings me some peace.

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