Reflections on Despair

I’m high as a fish tank right now, so it’s probably a really bad time to try to start writing for the first time in months, but here I go.

I never write when I’m high. Unless it’s some 1am revelation that needs to be put on the idea scratchpad, I generally don’t write when I’m high.

Again, here we go.

I’m currently experiencing one of the top five bouts of depression that I’ve ever experienced. I started out saying top three, but then I considered further. I can’t decide whether or not to count bouts of extreme grief as “depression.” I think that they are vastly different. Don’t get me wrong – grief can certainly be a trigger for depression (and possibly vice-versa, I suppose,) but I think that they are separate beings.

I have experienced profound grief.

• When my mother died

• When an important relationship ended

• When my father died

• When my brother was killed

Grief catches you unaware. Grief is the punch in the gut that takes your breath away in the middle of a sunny afternoon.

Grief is the feral animal that seems to be trying to claw its way out of your lungs – mewling, growling, desperately whimpering low in your chest.

Grief tries to drag you under, but then those memories, friends, family, and everyday joys pull you back up from the edge of the abyss of despair.

Yes, even decades after the healing started, grief can be an unexpected hiccoughing sob in the middle of a tv commercial, or it can be a silent sheen clouding your vision when a certain song comes on the radio. It’s sneaky, grief. Grief is like addiction. You’re never fully cured.

Grief doesn’t go away, it just stops visiting as frequently. You learn to find a sort of peaceful coexistence like a couple of roommates who may occasionally encounter each other in the kitchen, but otherwise rarely see one another.

Where was I? Ah, high…

Grief is the price we pay for having loved…or something like that. Vision from Wandavision, right? I love it. Grief is something that we must experience if we lose something or someone that we loved. Grief is the loss, the absence, the ache. Maybe there’s some regret, maybe some trauma, but mostly grief is something that we learn to tolerate and eventually it doesn’t occupy every single breath.

Depression.

Depression is a liar.

• Tells you you’re worthless

• Tells you you’re not good at things

• Tells you that you people don’t like you

• Tells you that you are a bad person

Depression is a thief.

• Steals your confidence

• Steals your joy

• Steals your creativity

• Steals your time

• Steals your sleep

• Steals your health

Depression is a bully.

• Calls you names

• Allows you to beat yourself up

• Hurts you

• Hurts those around you

• Always a sucker punch

While grief can be a welcome release valve for emotions that overwhelm us, depression sucks us down like a rip current. Grief can be a cleansing rain shower, depression is a dirty sewer.

So…I think my point was that if I differentiate between bouts of grief vs. bouts of depression, well, this is probably in the top three for depression.

The good news is that I’m aware of it. I seem to be able to articulate it. Badly, between wracking sobs at times, but I have really been trying to use my words and express to a few trusted people that I’m struggling a bit right now. I’m working on it, and I’m trying to pull myself together, but I’m having a difficult time.

I should mention that I feel like an asshole when I say stuff like that too.

I do not like to be vulnerable. I tend to be fairly self-assured and outgoing, and I don’t like to be seen as stupid or weak.

Author's note: this is where the story tapers off and ends without a point or conclusion. (Real life often does that.)

I can share that I feel like I'm pulling out of this difficult bout of...stress...grief...depression...ennui...

At least yesterday was a pretty good day.