Reflections at the Red Light

Trigger warning: slight mention of childhood trauma

The red and blue lights glared at me as the police cruiser faced my Hyundai Sonata. Still riding the high of the day’s festivities, I nearly blurted out the classic mom joke—“Cop! Everyone duck down!” (So original, am I right?) I could already picture my kids’ reactions—one rolling her eyes, the other laughing and dramatically pretending to hide. Polar opposites, as always.

Before I could earn my pity laughs, anxiety hammered against my chest.

Beat. Hammer. Beat. Hammer.

Yet as my heart cracked open, it was realization seeped through the fractures.

The Past Revisits

The truth is, the child in me was still wired to sound my internal sirens the moment that sleek, polished cruiser came into view. Its gleam reflected “danger.” The enemy.

My mother’s words echoed through my being.

“You’ll be taken away, and you don’t want that do you?”

Exactly what “taken away” actually meant was never explained, but my siblings and I clung to the truth that “we didn’t want that…did we??”

“It was always “because the cops just like to ruin lives”—never “because we’re doing something wrong.”

Accountability was a stranger.

The police--the homewreckers.

Not the drugs.

Not the abuse.

So I remained silent, drifting through the haze of smoke and parade of questionable strangers that cycled through the homes we cycled through, all to avoid the dreaded taking away.

Even as I was pushed into adulthood, the sight of a badge sent a ripple of caution through me. I braced myself—Were my lights working? Could I afford a ticket? My logical mind reassured me, “You’re a law-abiding citizen.” But my mother’s voice lingered, “They can’t get you for anything you don’t say.”

I stared out the windshield as the weight of that anxious, memoir-like moment, sprouted into something else. Petals of peace blossomed in my core.

Sometimes, the shadows of the past creep in in roder for the light of the present to reveal a new reality.

Green Means Go

My kids were chatting along, with no concern for the officer at all. They’re biggest concern was who was going to get the larger piece of the fruit roll up they weren’t supposed to be eating in the car. They lived in safety.

As my eyes darted to the car, the police officer gave me a slight nod. It was as though my thoughts had somehow drew that nod into my reality. The light turned green, and both cars moved in opposite directions.

As the trees blurred by, I felt us catapulted into the life we had built—one that was entirely of our own making.

Cycle Breaker

Sometimes, we lose sight of how our intentional decisions are constantly shaping everything around us- our perspectives.

Have you ever heard the saying, “The days are long, but the years are short”? People often use it to describe how children seem unchanged from day to day, yet suddenly, you blink, and they’ve grown into someone new—an entirely different version of themselves. (Anyone else still feel like their family members are kids while they are living their own adult lives?)

Our lives work the same way. We are constantly evolving, whether we realize it or not.

We’re all caretakers of our inner child. You have the power to break the patterns that were simply given to you to create ones designed for YOU.

Even if it doesn’t feel obvious in the moment, every time you practice a stronger mindset, you’re shaping your reality. If you keep going, those moments of clarity and victory will come, sometimes when you least expect it.

You may just realize that you are already the cycle breaker that you've always needed.