RECOVERY

This piece was written 10 months into my 14 month stay at The Salvation Army Harbour Light Addictions Treatment and Recovery Centre In Vancouver, BC. March 2015

Each and every one of us, like it or not, is profoundly aware of why we have come to our temporary home here at Harbour Light. Each of us has our own issues to deal with and having come to that realisation, admitting we were 'powerless' was probably the hardest thing we have ever done.

Personally after twenty-five years of lying to myself, telling myself I was fine, that everything was okay and truly believing that, I found myself left with very few options. Really there were only two that I could see- both of which being 'laid on the table' very clearly right in front of me, go to treatment or keep drinking and die. In my case that would not have taken very long. I must say my choice became acutely obvious extremely quickly.

When I first arrived here I was absolutely terrified. Returning to a city where not only had the problem originated, but not knowing anyone in a place I had not desired to venture to in over twenty years.

The people at the front desk were like aliens to me, speaking in mixed tongues, I truly felt as if I had been beamed to another world, I had no idea what was about to happen. I was expected by the intake coordinator, but due to unforeseen issues, being a Friday, me being later than planned, he had indeed left for the weekend.

I was introduced to someone I was unfamiliar with and now I knew I was truly, completely alone. I received the required bag of linen, was introduced to the 'best water in the city', got me my 'travel mug', the grand tour, and a 'seat on the bus'. Then the dorm room. Six beds, no waiting. Then I waited, 'lock-down' for thirty days. At least now I was a little less frightened, the guys in the dorm were all very pleasant and quite helpful. (As a side note, two of the men I was introduced to on that first day in that same dorm room have since succumbed to their respective addictions)

Having heard some stories of Harbour Light while staying at the Salvation Army in Victoria, unnerving stories I should add, it was very refreshing to at least now feel welcome at a place I was so very unsure about.

Being in stabilization it was time to start collecting the oh so unanticipated 'tools for my toolbox'. I have to admit the schedule was daunting, yet I now had some structure, a place to be, some time to get my bearings, meet some people and figure out what I was going to do next. As the 'house was full', (50 other men in various states of recovery), my stay in stabilization was a good five weeks, then came the day to start in small group.

My first day was somewhat disorienting as I really had no idea what was going on, just more alien speak to me. My counselor I found to be a breath of fresh air, I think she was just what I needed, someone to just listen, not judge, as I was in an extremely lonely space at that time. I believe she truly understood this of me. Strangely to me after my first 'one on one' meeting with her I knew I had come to the right place. This is where I truly needed to be at this point in my oh so depressing existence.

When I realized what it was that was preventing me from moving forward in my life my counselor helped me to discover ways in which to work on each and every one of my issues. Some of course did not please me very much, but I either found a way or I could 'enjoy my misery' as she would so boldly profess when my attitude became less than acceptable. Having now been here three months, not being aware that a hangover could possibly last this long, it seemed the fog was finally clearing and I was starting to feel 'normal' once again?

The fact that by nature I am a relatively quiet person, meeting and getting to know people, my actual perception of the program, how safe I felt here as quick as I did was amazing to me with the reassurance of not just my own counselor which in itself would have been enough, but every single one of them. To say they are good at what they do is a misnomer. They are a breed all their own to say the very least. Each with their own unique and special interpretations of this whole grand thing we refer to as life yet with a shared conscience about the purpose of their chosen profession simply because of each individualized personality working as one to achieve the greater purpose.

From one counselor celebrating her birthday seemingly every eleven days since I arrived, another stuck in the seventies and rockin' the house every Gratitude Friday, and yet another I have overheard as being compared to the likes of Freud, and still another I have great difficulties describing in a few words because of her intricacies. Each one with their demeanour in such lines as 'let's get grounded', 'I hate cross-talk', 'I agree with your assessment', and, 'that is an expression of yourself'.

The reason I came here was for my addiction, it was my main focus, yet when I began to discover more about myself and the reality behind what drove the addiction, I won't say it got any easier, far from it. I find that as a person progresses through the recovery process, the incessant draw of the addiction lessens. I find I have now come to a state of acceptance with my addiction to a point where it is manageable yet knowing full well this is something I have to deal with for the rest of my natural life. Who says recovery can't be fun?

Personally I feel very strongly about the program and the possibilities it offers to any person who wishes to grasp the opportunity to better themselves, to have that freedom from addiction.

Having been here some ten months now, my stay here is coming to an end sometime in the near future. The things I have learned about myself are insurmountable and I am very proud of what I have accomplished here, yet never forgetting that I am no different than anyone else. Put in the work, do what is asked, seriously be open to change and I guarantee you will leave here a much stronger man than when you first stepped through those doors.

As difficult as it may be for some to fathom, these people are here for one reason, and only one reason, and that reason is to help each and every person that has the courage to take that first step and walk through those doors.. Help is a four letter word yes, but for me a blessed word that I have been aching to hear for a very long time. My gratitude to these people is something I will never be able to repay yet again I can guarantee that is not the motivation behind why it is they do what they do. The long and the short of it is, this program is neither hard nor is it easy. If you are in the proper mindset, willing to commit to the focus needed, with hard work and dedication you can make a better life for yourself.

For the rest of my life I will use what I have learned here and never forget those people that gave me that 'help.'