Recovering With Alcoholism

I have heard people say "Real Self" more than I care to count. I like to think of "Consistent self." After all, that's really what we are talking about when we ask that question. When I was faced with getting sober or dying, I had to make some powerful choices. "Do the work, or die." that simple. An inner battle went on within me for a while because a part of me stopped caring. I was thoroughly numb, and I wanted it that way. I worked hard to numb my life. These "Feelings" were getting in my way, and I wanted nothing to do with them. I had some questions to answer, "Could I see where I lost control?", "Could I see where It was unmanageable?" and "Did I want to live life without a drink or drug?"

I pondered these thoughts. My friends in AA told me, "You don't ever have to drink again. However, that wording is frowned on; we say 'one day at a time.'" I was still concerned about "Those people, you know those AA people."

I heard those words and instantly grew frustrated. I wanted this problem fixed today! How do I get this fixed isn't there a pill or something type of Psychotherapy to fix this, Now!" My friends in AA laughed at me, sat with me, and listened to me while I blabbered out the reasons I needed my life fixed today. One older gentleman said, "How long was your career drinking?" (Shocked by the words career drinking) I stuttered and said since I was around twenty. He smiled and said, "Liar." Appalled by the nerve of this man, I sat there insulted. He asked, "How old were you when you had your first drink?"

I remembered getting into my grandpa's Peach Brandy and causing quite a stir at the ripe old age of seven, but I wasn't going to tell him such a disgraceful thing and embarrass myself like that in mixed company. So, I muttered seventeen. He laughed and said, "That's better, but that's not the complete truth, now is it?" I sat there amazed at how this man was looking right through me. I clammed up. I sat quietly for a long time after that. I sat there watching other people having a good time talking laughing somehow. They were gradually getting their lives back. I wanted that, but I wasn't so sure I wanted to go through all this "Steps" business to get there.

I read those steps; belief in God? I'm Gay. That's a no-go out the gate. God hates me! He started it btw I did not. I found this lady that was ever so kind. Later I found out she was a Nun. She said, "God may not agree with you, but he does not hate you." I pondered this for a while. I could work with this concept. When I found out she was a Nun, that drove the idea that maybe I am not hopeless. But a Nun in AA suddenly did I have questions. That was the first time I felt there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it wasn't an oncoming train.

I sat down with another friend, and we discussed, "Came to believe a power greater than myself could help me if I asked." I had already fallen back on the bed and awakened and not drank for days, but was it over? My new friends said, "Never trust your head. It's like a bad street. Never go there alone or unarmed." I loved that I promptly started to write these little sayings down. Everything was handy and fair game when it came to getting sober (I found out later these are called "Slogans.") If it helped, I used it. I had post-it notes all over the house, the wall around my computer, and the car. My family all were amazed they knew I wasn't seeing a doctor but thought I was taking some medication because I had calmed down so much. I then started to focus on drawing more and picked back up where I left off. Where I encountered, "You will find your destiny in the place you started avoiding it."-- Kung Fu Panda

I heard daily, "Start your day over, "or "Get out of your head." Until it became a part of me fourteen years later, I do it naturally, and I am grateful for that. I have learned so much about myself and facing me. There is no situation I can't make worse.

There is nothing a drink won't make worse, and I am one of those who cannot drink, and I have to take the steps necessary to make sure I don't. This means I had no choice but to come to terms with the fact I had to do the steps and follow the instructions as the "Big Book" says.

There's a balancing beam, and I have no choice but to stay on it. Too much good I fall, too much bad I fall. I was taught early on to make sure I had a large circle of friends to talk to in case someone was busy, and I still have a substantial circle. They talk to me as much as I speak to them, and that's worked for fourteen years. I say. "Do what works." When you ultimately face yourself, you'll find it's the consistent you that you hate the most. It's not the best version of you, nor the worse version of you that you love or hate. No, they are either a celebration or a challenge.

Consistent, however, pushed too far is complacent. We love life excitement, vibrance, and feeling alive. That's why "Doing the wrong thing can make you feel like it's the right thing, and doing the right thing can feel like the wrong thing"--One Republic.

We need to feel alive to feel connected to other people, but not just connected in its simplest forms complex connections to mind, body, and spirit. That's why we love people that are like us. I say, "Blossom where you are planted"-- Jeffro.

Jeff produced all the artwork in this article and focused on his skills while getting sober and copyright protected. However, the entire article may be shared as a whole at any time.