Party of One: Journey to Self Discovery

Solo?

A solo trip insinuates that it has to be taken by oneself, but what if I need to smell the scent of someone else? What if I need to feel the warmth of another body embracing my own to comfort me in a possible time of an anxious breakdown. What if I go so long without speaking, the silence becomes piercing, and my voice cracks under pressure, from the lack of use, when I try to scream out for help? OR what if it would be like the last 10 months of my life, but, unlike the last 10 months of reality, I would actually be at a state of peace and serenity?

This conundrum illustrates the anxious thoughts and mixed emotions of a woman who harbors abandonment issues and lacks the necessary self-actualization to feel confident enough to do something, as big as taking a trip, alone. She is me. The anxiety kicks in first, as a result of even thinking about executing such a major decision, and then the rationalization and realization that it would not be so bad because I am essentially already living such a reality dawns on me.

Since the beginning of COVID-19, life has drastically changed, for everyone, yes, but for those who regularly avoid self check-ins, extremely. The distractions that were strategically used as a sort of 'cloak of invisibility' for my inner problems and aspects of lack were no longer available at my beck and call. Instead, I was left with nothing but myself and the company of all of the personal problems I had been placing on hold for years with no intentions of getting back with them. A rain check that I never expected to cash.

Over the course of the last few months of quarantine and life, as we knew it, changing, I also changed. I started to change as I utilized this solitude that had been forced upon me to face and conquer each internalized issue, one at a time. These issues could be as little as developing a healthy morning routine, or as big as learning how to effectively silence those pesky anxious thoughts which, as you can see, I am still working on. Although I have not conquered all of the things on my 'self help' list, I am more confident in my ability to overcome each issue, as I reach each milestone of growth.

So, as I trek up the hill of progression, I see my abandonment issues staring back at me. Issues I have harbored since childhood that would require unpacking years of trauma to truly understand and find its root, and although that in itself makes me overwhelmingly anxious, I trudge on. There is no turning back, just as we continue to live in this new reality, I have to continue to build this new version of myself by facing the outdated version of me. I was long overdue for an upgrade.

As a matter of fact, this trip is much needed. I need this trip to free myself from the confines of my typical environment. I have to remove myself from my usual environment because these aspects often act as triggers due to the automatic association my brain makes between trauma and all other events that aligned with the trauma. I want to leave it all behind and venture far away, in the name of self care, because I do not know where I left her, but I am willing to go as far as needed to find her again.

This trip must be one of spontaneity because, if I think about it too long, my anxiety will talk me out of it. No specific destination, simply grab the first available ticket to the most historic place I can find. I have decided to take no baggage because it would be of no true benefit to me on my journey, plus I decided to start small and make this a day trip. I plan to obtain all new things, upon arrival, to truly start fresh and feel renewed. Not only renewed in the material aspect, but I also plan to return renewed mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

No baggage, not even the rose-colored glasses I had been choosing to see my life through for all these years. Just me. I take my life savings with every intention to only obtain things that are priceless. I do not want outside communication. I do not want outside distractions. I want peace and serenity to wash over me as I ascend into the skies and move toward my destination because I know that I am headed to the most beautiful and intricately designed place on earth. I know that, although this place is dark, I have the ability to supply the light, and I am ready to do that. This place is hilly with many ups and downs, but I believe there will eventually be a permanent upward slope. All I have to do is just keep moving.

I will visit many landmarks and open many doors to truly admire the beauty of every exhibit. I am not much of a historian, but I know that the past is what got me here. I must pay tribute and respect because without the past, both good and bad, my world would not be as I know it. I would not be on the self discovery journey I am on today. So, I must not skip a door. I must not skip an exhibit. I must pay homage to every single one before continuing on my way. I must read the description of every exhibit and be sure that I familiarize myself with each because they are all equally important, and the goal is clarity and understanding. Without clarity and understanding, I cannot move on and find her. I have to fast during this journey because I must stay focused. I know she will be behind one of those doors, but until I familiarize myself with every aspect of my past that molded her, I will not stop. Because once I find her, I have to be able to comfort her and make sure she knows she did the best with the hand she was dealt, but it is time for me to bring her back renewed. It is time to blossom.

So, yes this trip will be out of my comfort zone, but it is necessary. As I put on my most comfy pajamas and find the most comfortable position on my bed, I am ready to exit my comfort zone.

I release all anxiety before my journey. I take multiple deep breaths through my nose and breathe out through my mouth to successfully calm my nerves and quiet my mind. After all, my mind is the most beautiful and intricate place on earth to me, and I need it to be clear for me to easily navigate through and begin my journey. I will take this journey through my memories and my past experiences to truly find the root of my issues and allow the renewed version of me to blossom. I will miss no doors and no exhibits because each one molded me into the woman I am currently becoming. Once I am done visiting, I must close each door for good because, then, I will have seen all there is to see there. It will be time to return renewed, soar to greater heights, make new memories, and enjoy new experiences.

I am ready for this journey, one that does not require me to wait until quarantine and social distancing is over. This journey of self discovery starts now.