?!! Paranoia !?

Recently, I came home from my Mother's house via public transport for which I used a bus pass. Later that day I couldn't locate my pass anywhere. I expressed my concerns to both my spouse and my mother. My spouse suggested I had maybe left it at hers. She suggested maybe it was still in my bag or somewhere on my person. I just had a gut feeling that I had lost it on the way home. Both of them dismissed my thoughts and said "Don't be paranoid, absolutely no chance have you lost it outside. It will turn up." without any authority at all.

I have a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, but most people don't understand that it doesn't mean that I'm constantly paranoid. I have learned to recognise paranoia in myself by pinpointing emotions attached to thoughts. If I think of something suspiciously but feel safe and fine, then it's NOT paranoia. If I think of something suspiciously and I feel afraid, concerned, agitated - that's paranoia. Now, I wouldn't expect or even suggest that others should recognise that in me too, how could they? I just need to be trusted to think for myself as would the next person.

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"What is defined as paranoid schizophrenia and psychosis is typically a state of chronic fear and terror', 'Anti-psychotics have been used to diminish the hallucinations and other distressing behaviors." ~Extract from: Embracing the Broken-Hearted By Dr. Dan L. Edmunds.

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I have tried explaining this time and time again because from my point of view, what having that affliction means to people around me, especially those closest to me is that if I am slightly dubious about something, have a gut feeling about something, my instinct differs from others who are hearing or seeing the same situation as me; without any evidence or facts to prove I am wrong, they immediately and automatically, suggest that I must 'paranoid'. Wrong.

Some people break their leg and once the bone heals they walk again - the entire world of people who have broken their legs don't now all just limp, not everyone loses the leg completely. I haven't lost my integrity, yet they believe I'm in that million-to-one top slot position. 'Damaged'. I'm no doctor, but here's what people fail to understand: My illness is controlled now.

I hate to use this metaphor but I'm going to, doesn't matter who listens to me anyway! I guess schizophrenia is kind of like the herpes condition. Once it gets you and you know you have it, you can treat the symptom, maybe even prevent the cause but it never truly goes away.

It sticks with you. A lifelong affliction. I do comprehend that. However, the worse symptoms (from what I am guessing, have been fortunate enough to have only manifested one disease to deal with, a mental health one - thus far!) are the rash, or spots or warts, the uncomfortable, problematic, and unpleasant irritations caused by herpes dissipate.

They are temporarily removed, gone, they go away and you get along with your regular steady life without being reminded of that humiliation problem. I haven't researched anything for this essay on THAT topic as I'm too close to comfort with my friends and family who, should they see my search history, would assume one of FIVE things:

a) I must have been cheating

b) my partner has been cheating

c) we're both swingers

4) Insert something of equal defamation

- or - and this is the one that angers me so much;

5) I must be paranoid about STDs for reasons such as b) and possibly a).

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way when being inappropriately underestimated, who knows how far they'd go before realising even a broken clock is right twice a day! I wish people would just give me the benefit of doubt, or, at the very least, allow me to stick with my OWN opinion and not try to revert me to theirs.

I wish their opinion was not to try and instill their unnecessary and unjust concerns onto me. I'm supposed to be the unstable one "God, don't make me worse this idea could freak me out." It could cause inner turbulence of the mind, whereby I'm always working out if they're right or I am, and that can happen to anyone, with or without the illness, in situations like this.

It wouldn't make a difference if they even asked me why? what? where? because they again suspect that I. Must. Be. Paranoid. what a cop-out. I'd love to retaliate with "I think you're paranoid that I'm paranoid which is causing me to be paranoid about your paranoia and questioning myself 'Am I paranoid now?".

As I was explaining, in my unresearched way, going off my natural insight and knowledge, herpes can flare up at any given time, maybe by stress or other neurological causes. Which is very similar to how schizophrenia behaves.

Once the initial ailment - in my case paranoid delusions, mental breakdown, delusions of persecution; how apt that I am outlining my case as if I am feeling persecuted by these accusations of me not being compos mentos! after treatment by Weston medicine - not even going to try and talk science at this stage. We can live a relatively regular existence.

I'm not arguing that We are not at the mercy of our minds -but so are others at the mercy of their biology as it were for the STD - but they are still held accountable. I never thought I'd say this. I want to just be allowed to apply myself without working with plugs in like, paranoid, mental, cuckoo, etc. Yes, it is the same. We can experience a 'flare up' where the symptoms return, sometimes with vengeance, these are called episodes.

What I hate about not being taken seriously is the loss of credibility and not having a leg to stand on because I am also being constantly reminded, inadvertently, that I lost it, that I was sick. I had a humiliating problem and would rather forget it whilst it's away, so to speak.

On the upside, it strengthens my belief to trust in myself more and I get to practice listening to my thoughts, making my mind up, and soothingly counseling my internal monologue to prevent any external flare-ups. Thankfully, my closest and dearest wouldn't subject me to such names. I worry whether my self-esteem is going to hold up faced with people who might. I just wish that people would stop the stigma and see through the disability. I can think perfectly fine for myself and can be trusted to think.

Now you may be wondering what's the deal here and did I ever find the bus pass? Yes. It had been handed in and returned to me in the mail a few days later. The point is that my opinion was not validated, and even if it had been thought wrong, and not been vindicated. I still deserve equal respect and not to be told that I shouldn't trust my mind. My loved ones are not horrible or mean people - they just don't understand we need to encourage more education for families of people with mental illness.

Thank you for taking the time to read this 'essay' please share with family and friends and help support sufferers of schizophrenia. LETS EDUCATE.

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