Opiates - part 2

I been talking for Dolores for a while, when she recalls that she does have a cousin whose son died of an opiate overdose. She thinks it was accidental, not intentional. He was admitted to treatment, he had been in treatment for about 6 or 9 weeks, Dolores was not sure. He came out of treatment and he was living with his parents. Dolores saw him after his sister's wedding. The treatment program did not let him out for the wedding, he arrived later and met the people who were still there. He was doing very well at that time. He had a friend with him from the program. He was getting ready to have a job. Two weeks later they found him dead. He was 25 years old. Dolores feels that he failed to realize that once he was sober, he cannot use as much heroin as he used before. She feels people can be arrogant about this and use the same amount. This was a big tragedy in Dolores's family. Dolores was far away when it happened, she was removed from the tragedy, her cousins were just devastated. One of their children get married and the other died just a few weeks after. Very sad situation. He had been using a long time. He seemed to have other problems too and previous trauma was present for a sexual abuse.

Fuchsia tells me about her experience dating someone who had been dealing with heroin addiction. When they were dating, Paul was clean and sober. He spent a lot of time focusing on staying sober, which makes sense she asserts, that is what was keeping him alive, and it did take priority over everything else in their lives. Every decision thy made carefully had to be weigh if it would be a good decision for Paul, and his sobriety for example where they live. Paul was big in the AA community as well. He got sober when he was 22 years old, he is 29 years old now. Paul lost family and friends as he was growing up, he lost more than a dozen people around him related to overdose. This was his world. That is what he knew. Fuchsia tells me Paul lost so many people during the years they were dating. Paul's friends were into addiction, some of them were people relapsing. Paul had a friend who relapsed one night, overdosed and died. Very sad stories of people who are really struggling. 

Fuchsia describes this: 

"huge dark world of pain that they are living in". 

Knowing the people and hearing their stories gave her a lot of empathy for them and what they are going through. Paul had hepatitis C, did not tell his stories to other people besides AA. He was ashamed. Fuchsia does not like to lie and keeping his secret was very hard for her. It became complicated when they would go out and do outside activities, she was concerned about not telling her parents because if something happens, they need to protect themselves from his blood.

Paul did not even want to share that he has Hepatitis C. He had a lot happen in his childhood, divorce, family deaths to deal with. He had been through a lot. Fuchsia was wondering where all the shame come from, he was very private about his story. Paul had an overbearing personality. Fuchsia felt maybe he thought he would not be accepted if people knew. Paul's story is very difficult, he was homeless for a long time, for Fuchsia, for months after she heard his story and see a homeless person she would cry. It was him; it could be him. He was living in a big city, with nothing. She saw pictures before he went to rehab and how he looked. It took Fuchsia about a year just to process all this. It was hard for Fuchsia to understand addiction, the process of rehabilitation, AA. She wanted to understand and talked to him about it, but on the other hand it was traumatizing for her to hear all these stories. Then he told her about Al-Anon meetings. She did not know what that was. She went to him with one AA meeting Saturday night. The regular meetings she could not go to with him they were closed. There was a meeting for men and one for people who been sober a long time. They were both closed meetings. This was a whole world Fuchsia was never going to be a part of. Fuchsia had this problem with AA with he is thinking that others don't understand what is going on with someone who went through addiction and in recovery. Paul told her that too, that she does not understand. She felt Paul would minimize other people's problems or what they went through because they did not use substance as a band aid.

Another issue she had with AA that her boyfriend was so service oriented that he ended up volunteering for people all the time whom he just met and things that needed to be done in their life for example mowing the lawn would not happen. He helped a lot of people; this effort was not carried through at home. 

All his energy went to other people and he did not put much energy on the people who were actually around him.

Paul would be quick to tell Fuchsia if she expressed a feeling about something that this is not her story and don't be co-dependent. She tells me that it was her story too because everything they did impacted her. It was amazing to witness what Paul had done with his life. Turned it around, graduated from school. Paul has a good job now. I asked her if she knows what made him start and stop his addiction. She tells me he started at age 14, he grew up in a place where everyone used. Paul had a pretty sad childhood. He used for 8 years and he been in different phases of using alcohol then heroin. He tried to get sober 3 times. He 3rd time worked, he got himself into school, he had good community and sponsors. He got away from his hometown. He still has friends that are dying today. Fuchsia wanted to leave him for a while, but she was scared, she did not want to trigger something, she had a lot of struggle with this, she did not want to be a cause a relapse.

I ask Fuchsia, how this experience impacted her. She tells me that is really opened her eyes and she was more judgmental before she knew his story and other people's story. She also feels that she put her own needs on a hold for a long time to take care of him. While Fuchsia was with him it was always about him and anything she wanted to do had to put on hold or really think about if it is safe or ok for him. Is it going to be a trigger for him? Not being open to other people was challenging. After she left, all this trauma came up that she had not processed while they were in it. She feels freed not have to think about issues she had to think about while she was with him. It is kind of freeing, she adds. I ask Fuchsia that based on her experience what addiction means to her. She thinks for a moment. She tells me she thinks it is a manifestation of trauma and repetitive behavior that is damaging to oneself and others. She does not believe that addiction is a choice. She also believes that people either have an addictive personality or they don't. She does not have one.

Thank you for reading, 

Gabriella

This book is dedicated to the memory of

Bagóczky József my uncle who died at age 19 - alcohol related car accident

and to everyone else who has been hurt or lost related to addiction

Many people had been supportive and inspiring to me so I could create this book. Both of my wonderful children told me, just write that book mom. My mom. I could have not done this without all the stories provided and the encouragement love and caring from my family and friends, nurses, doctors, counselors, teachers, professors, friends who are dealing with addiction and staying sober; and children, wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers of people who are dealing with addiction currently. Thank you for speaking up, sharing your stories and life experiences. Thank you for all the people who read this book while in progress to provide feedback, ideas and encouragement for me to continue writing. I would like to say special thanks to my friends and family for believing me and encouraging me to go on.

Front cover acrylic painting created by Andrea Mihaly October 2019

Our Society: Addiction and More Uncovered. Hear the voices of everyday people - collection of stories and experiences.

Copyright @ 2020. 1st addition on Amazon KDP. 2nd addition Jan 2021 Barnes & Noble. By Dr. Gabriella Kőrösi. All rights reserved. Dancing Elephants Press.