Near Death

The light passed from one eye to the next. Enchanted moonlight gave the feel of bliss. The yellow butterfly flew through the west. I knew he looked down below at the family that he missed. Almost 3 decades gone in just a moment. I never imagined the time and the memories that he had missed. I always felt the disconnect from the ones that he had met. I always felt left out from everyone’s gift. They all met him in some dreams, a gift from beyond. But there was me who never had the gift. No dreams, no talking from beyond. I just kept thinking that I wasn’t special enough.

I was 23 years old when the anger and pain took ahold. I couldn’t seem to get out of this funk. The eternal battle was constantly taking its toll. Every day was an irrational debunk, of where I went wrong and why I would never find love. I heaved to my own darkness and kept it to myself. I couldn’t bring myself to accept that this was my life. What had I done wrong? Why was I continuously punished for doing nothing wrong?

I was so stuck into depression that hunger was not a necessity. I kept it to myself and never said anything. My family didn’t know that I was starving myself. I was so used to putting on this persona that they didn’t ever acknowledge that anything was wrong. I was the golden child of all ways from the moment I was younger to the time I was making the front page. I was the one who was always on my feet. I was the one who let perfection shape me. I made more money, I had ‘amazing’ friends. It was a lie from what I had felt within.

A downfall from my past was starvation that seemed to last. I didn’t feel hungry. I didn’t feel like I needed it. I had no passion to eating, to food. It wasn’t even a thought that crossed my mind. 40 days passed of inconsistent eating when it finally struck me. It was the end of the year, and the magazine needed its focus to capsulate the year. I was in the middle of my morning meeting when I felt my body grown weak. It was a sunken feeling that hard to eat. Its funny how your body works. How your stomach tells you to eat. But your mind cant compete that needed bliss. “You’re not hungry, no need to eat,” was all my mind seemed to tell me.

I took a breath and reached for a banana that sat in the middle of the table. Maybe I should snack on a little? Just a little to hold me off. At least until the meeting was over, I could escape to my office and drink my protein shake. It will stop my hunger for at least a while.

I felt eyes on me as I drifted back. I felt my head tremble as I faulted back. Darkness shadowed in nothingness. I felt lonely, I felt at peace for just a second. I awoke in a dark stretched hallway. Mentally I didn’t question my whereabouts. It felt silent. The smell of centered peace. I pressed forward, keeping my eyes in front of me. A small light peered from the end of the tunnel, lightly flickering to the stretch of the mile.

I refused to look behind me. Something felt off like a shadow was pushing me. I feared the unconscious desire to turn around. What would I see, what is guiding me? I felt like I was walking for an hour when I came upon a man, leaning on the wall. He was looking down and smoking a cigarette. The cherry luminated his face with every drag that he inhaled. He turned to me with a blank expression. Frowning as he saw my own expression.

I grew in confusion recognizing that face. He looked my like my uncle. Was I dreaming? This couldn’t have been the case. I never got to meet him; he was gone before I was even born. I only knew him from the stories and the pictures. I longed to know him but obviously that wasn’t something that I could ever. He threw his cigarette and faced towards me.

He stayed with his serious frown and gently announced, “It’s not your time kid.” I still stood their in awe, before I felt the hand behind me moving and the presence dissipating. “Are you…?” was all I could ask. Inside my heart I knew he was. I couldn’t help by shed a tear. He smiled a nodded. “I always knew you were there. I’m sorry I was never able to let you know that I was always proud of you. I will always be there for you, your mom and sister. Don’t feel like you are nothing. You are as special as they are, if not more. Please do not let the fear engulf you as I did. Do not kill yourself for the thought of neglect. You got this and you always have.”

I was completely stunned at the words he was telling me. I always felt so alone. I never could have thought that I had my guardian angel. A broken smile crossed his face and he walked towards me. He hesitated before giving me a hug. This was the first interaction that I have ever had with my uncle. I could have never imagined I would meet him in this way. I closed my eyes and felt another tear drop.

Beep, beep, beep. I awoke in a cold room; pulse monitor alongside me. It took me a minute to completely assess where I was. I turned to look at the monitor ragging on. The nurse walked in and stood by my side. She put a hand on my head with a calming smile, “Welcome back. You’re guardian angel kept good care of you.” I heard her words but didn’t fully understand. Memories resurfaced well I was trying to capture my own demand. I looked to the window; clouds filled the sky. A single yellow butterfly quietly flew by.