I am going to talk about my suicide attempt. I will be going through the months and days before the attempt, I will also tell you about what happened after. First, I want to say I am not glorifying or promoting suicide. This is just my story.
I just heard a stat the other day that someone decides within 20 minutes to attempt. That was not my case. I knew months before. I even booked a motel and took off work for a week. The one thing I had not decided on yet was how to do it.
About a month before something happened that either could have made me change my plans or could have delayed them. I got into a wreck that could have been much worse. A cement truck hit me in the back. It did something to my sciatic nerve. I definitely hurt for a little while after. The car I was driving had so many safety recalls on it that it should have been worse. The airbags did not even deploy. Some people would look at the wreck as a new lease on life. I did not see it that way.
I think the reason is why I wanted to attempt it. I have never said the reason why I attempted and never will. I will say that it was an intrusive thought that kept getting stronger and the only way I could think to get rid of it was to attempt.
Let's move to a few weeks before. I got another car. I got one that I could afford. I did think about getting something I could not afford because I was planning on not being here to pay for it. I also did something that I had always wanted to do with some of the money I received from my wreck. I paid to have a book published. It was a dream come true. Even though I would have never seen it published. Even that did not change my mind.
The week of the motel stay. I did a few things I wanted to do, but I saved a few things for the days before. I checked into the motel and went to do a few final things. One of them was to go see a movie premiere. It had a special Q&A after the movie. The movie is somewhat ironic. It was Five Feet Apart. I loved the movie. The movie is about people fighting to live. Before the movie I did go eat at one of my favorite spots. I spent a lot on a tip and paying for other people's meals. Again, the thought process was I am not going to be around to spend it.
The day of I went to eat lunch and did the same thing. I also went to get the supplies I needed. I finally decided how I was going to do it and one of things actually ended up saving me. The idea was alcohol poisoning with melatonin, aspirin, and the thing that ended up saving me was rat poison. I also bought a knife but never got that far.
I wrote goodbye letters to people. I mailed one to my best friend at the time. The ones to the family I left in the motel room. After I had to text my best friend and tell her to rip it up without opening it. It would have been bad if she opened it and I was still her. She already had one person in her life attempt and succeeded.
Then I got to work that night. I had a playlist and started drinking. I was drinking vodka and Gin. I would drink then take some pills. It was a slow process. I drank all the Gin and more than half the Vodka. Then it came time for the rat poison. At first nothing happened. I started to feel sleepy from the melatonin.
That is when I ran a bath to do the final step. I was going to use the knife and cut a few arteries in my leg. As soon as my leg hit the water I started throwing up and could not stop. I fell asleep on the bathroom floor. I finally got up and took a shower about 3 in the morning and went to bed for a few hours. I was checking out that day. I think the rat poison was what made me throw up.
The feeling at first was what now. I had spent most of the money from my wreck because I was not supposed to be here. It took a while to catch up and feel normal again.
The thoughts that made me want to do it have quieted down. I do not think they will ever go away completely. I do not know what I would do if they ever started to come back to the surface. I know what I should do is go to a psychiatrist. What will I do? I have no idea. I am happy with my life right now. That thought can bring me down quickly though if it was to return. That thought combined with I do not give a crappy attitude is not a good combination. I have that attitude all the time.
This part I do not recommend doing. I never saw anyone before or after. If you need help, please get it. Would my life have been different if I had gone to see someone before the thoughts got so strong. I have no idea. I do not know if my life is where it is right now because I did attempt or if it would be better if I had not had that experience.
Would It be different if someone would have found me still alive and would have put me on a psych hold. I do not know. I think I needed the hold before I even thought about attempting.
This happened six years ago, and I am happy with my life now.
About the Creator
Jeremy White
I am from a small town. I have grown up surrounded by woods. I love to Write. I started out with poems. I did not start writing stories until I joined vocal. Writing stories is really fun. I have a Bachelors in Psychology.
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Comments (1)
Jeremy! This was a brutal, but important read. I applaud you for that. I cannot begin to imagine how you felt and the process running up towards doing it. But, I know that for everyone it is different and I would never judge anyone. Thank you for sharing your story, this must have been a hard thing to write and I hope it helped, even just a little. I am glad you are still here and in a better place.