My Sixth Challenge - Stethoscope and Shadows

My sixth challenge is finding my place in the world again. I can’t hide my depression any more than I can hide being female.

I want to work. I used to love my work. In fact, I don’t know who I am if not a doctor. It’s the one thing that keeps me going. Yet, I cannot face the demons that made me so depressed in the first place.

I am a doctor, and I love what I do. I love treating patients, listening to their concerns, the thrill of surgeries, and every aspect of being a doctor. But my depression was triggered by the death of one of my patients. The events were devastating, shaking me to my core, making me suicidal.

Now, I’m better. In case of mental health concern, I have learned that we never say I got cured. I no longer have depression, or at least, it no longer controls my day to day decisions. My psychiatrist says I’ve made tremendous progress. I’m off medication and now under observation only. During this time, I completed my diploma in obstetrics and gynecology and began a travel fellowship. Under this program, I work with various rural healthcare organizations across India.

It’s time to take on new challenges and responsibilities, but a conflict brews inside me. I’ve started working in the outpatient department, which is relatively stress-free with no emergencies. However, I feel a deep pull to return to working in casualties and performing surgeries.

A part of me says:

“I want to go back. It’s been my identity forever. It’s my calling and my purpose. Without it, I’m lost. I need to believe in myself and start again.”

Another voice warns:

“Don’t go back. What if it happens again? What if I fall harder this time? Better to deny myself my dreams now than risk another breakdown. If I go back , I’ll save the patient, but can I save myself again?”

I’ve been struggling with this inner conflict for a month now. Despite traveling, reading ,writing, and seeking advice, I can’t seem to make a decision.

I feel defeated, knowing that depression still influences some of my choices. I want to return to my work more than anything else, but it feels like being burned once and now fearing the fire. I can’t find the courage to go back.

No matter how much I try to push it away, depression is still part of me. After six years of treatment and relapses, I’ve accepted that it’s as much a part of me as an organ. It’s not going away. I have to learn to live with it. This is not about a depression-free life—it’s about learning to live a meaningful life despite having depression.

Here I am, with more questions than answers:

If I’m not a doctor, then who am I?

Can I return and survive if the same incident happens again?

Will people accept me, or will they see me as a weirdo?

Will people trust me again?

Will I ever feel safe and confident again?

Can I trust myself to handle my life and not fall apart?

Will I find peace with whichever decision I make?

These questions consume my thoughts and drain my energy. I long for clarity, for a guiding sign. I ask my mentor these same questions repeatedly, seeking solace and direction.

Perhaps the answer isn’t in choosing between extremes but in finding a middle ground. Maybe I can start small- working part-time under extreme observation—rebuilding my confidence while reconnecting with my passion for medicine.

This journey is challenging, but it’s one I must take to reclaim my life, my purpose, and my identity.