My Shadow

I’ve hit what I like to call a wall. Hehe, I’m sure you call it that too. But anyways, in more ways than one. I do this often, and mostly because I’m always looking down. I mean that literally and figuratively. I’m always watching my feet instead of looking where I’m going and I’m constantly finding flaws with all that I am and do. I don’t often think well of myself or my future and it causes me and those around me, harm. Once, when walking in the woods with Todd, I was so focused on my feet and whether or not I was going to trip, that I completely missed the branch coming at my face. That was a nice surprise, let me tell you.

I recently went with two of my sisters for a sister photo shoot. It was so much fun and a much-needed bit of time away. There was a shadow over me though and I had to fight all day long to keep it at bay. It was so exhausting that I actually fell asleep on the way there and on the way back. My neck!! And the guilt that came with it. But I was so exhausted that I was out almost as soon as my sister started the car. Not to mention my belly was full of good food after the shoot.

However, I wanted to share more time with my sisters, joke and have fun and make a few more memories. Instead, I slept the whole way home. To be fair, my youngest sister also fell asleep, but as usual I was harder on myself than anyone else. It was truly amazing though to get my hair and make-up done and to pick out a fabulous dress! It was an experience that I will never forget. It was well worth every second.

To my sisters, if you read this, thank you for taking the time and expending the effort to make that day happen! To my readers, I suggest you always find time to be with those you love. Call that grandparent. Text that friend. Just let them know you are thinking of them. Trust me, it’s so worth it. I took the time the other night to call my mom’s mom and it made both our nights. She was a woman who had taken the time the help raise me, the least I could do was call her and chat for a few minutes and see how her and my grandpa were doing. It was such a good conversation and in a couple ways, we both helped each other.

I am still fighting the shadow that has been hanging over me for a few days now, but I am also fighting to be my own light within that shadow. I try to find little ways to make myself happy. And then I work to find ways to make others happy. I can’t always do that though and it makes me feel so bad when I can’t. For instance, I made plans for Todd and I to go and visit my other grandma in Ohio. However, the weather got bad and school was cancelled for the day and our daughters had e-learning. That meant no trip to Ohio, but instead slogging through schoolwork. And yes, I mean slogging. The girls detest e-learning and it frustrates all parties involved. We made it through though, all parties survived and none were harmed in the completion. We are all al little smarter and definitely a little closer.

It was not a day spent getting in some quality time with my grandma for her birthday, however. And there the guilt kicks in again. I was also going to get the added bonus of seeing my other sister who lives in Ohio also, and I was so looking forward to it. I had planned to take them both out for my grandma’s birthday and getting in some more memory making time.

Thus, the shadow darkens and I must work again to shine my light brighter. So, I got in an episode of one of my favorite shows, spent time with my three favorite people, and filled my belly. It didn’t completely lift the shadow but for a few hours, I didn’t feel its weight. I don’t know that the shadow is ever truly “lifted” but once in awhile I get a reminder of what life is like without it. It’s those moments that I live for and I hope you do too.

Ta for now my friends,

Tabitha